Dr. Becky: Parenting 101

Alexandra Cooper (0:11)

Dr. Becky, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

Becky Kennedy (0:14)

So excited to be here. Thank you.

Alexandra Cooper (0:15)

Okay. You are a clinical psychologist, and you are often referred to as the millennial parent whisperer. You essentially break down parenting in a very smart, empathetic way.

And so I think all of my Daddy Gang moms or future moms-to-be are going to really enjoy this episode. But I also think for anyone who maybe that isn't their journey, I do think they're going to get a lot out of this episode as well, because we are going to talk about boundaries and attachment theory and confidence, which is applicable to everyone. So thank you for being here.

Becky Kennedy (0:50)

Excited to jump into it all.

Alexandra Cooper (0:52)

You also kind of had this moment where you turned this parenting philosophy, Good Inside, into essentially a huge brand, and this has become kind of like the cornerstone of a lot of things you talk about. Can you explain the idea behind that name?

Becky Kennedy (1:09)

Yeah. I think it goes back to so many more years ago than even my Instagram started, where I said, okay, so if I'm going to give myself permission to question the pure punishment timeout version of parenting, what am I left with? I strip away all the assumptions from a first principles perspective. And I was kind of left with two things.

One was, I think kids are born good inside. Like I just don't believe babies are born thinking I'm going to wake up my parents a lot and, you know, make them not sleep and give them a hard time. I think kids are born good inside. And then this other thing I was left with is that kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills.

And so that's why good kids do a lot of bad things. Because when any of us, by the way, at any age, have feelings that overpower skills, they come out as behavior. And so it all came down to that. And that first idea that we're born good inside explains why we need to teach skills. That we don't have to so much insert all these things into a kid. They kind of have them and we have to help them access them.

Alexandra Cooper (2:13)

I love that because I think so much of it, you're right, is like, it does put a lot on the parents where it's like, this is a lot of this can actually be in your control to help your child continue to be good. Of course, there's going to be mess ups and of course, there's going to be hardships. But it's like, most children are coming out and are good human beings. And then by nurture and nature, it's like, what is going to happen in their circumstances? They're going to mold them into the human being they're going to be and no pressure parents, but you are a majority of that. So buckle up and good luck.

Becky Kennedy (2:49)

Yeah, and it sounds intimidating, but I think actually so much of the idea of good insight came down to in my practice. Everyone wants to know what to do. What do I do when my kid hits? What do I do when my kid lies to my face? But way before we can think of an effective strategy, it actually comes down to what's my mindset? How am I looking at my kid? And I think there's two mindsets we have when our kid acts out. Do I have a good kid having a hard time? Or do I have a bad kid doing bad things?

And there's no strategy that matters as much as thinking about that mindset. By the way, it's the same as a marriage. My husband's annoying me. Is he a good person having a hard time? Or is he a bad person doing things to me? And everything flows from there.

Alexandra Cooper (3:30)

Such a good point. Okay, we need to get into gentle parenting.

Becky Kennedy (3:35)

Yeah, we do.

Alexandra Cooper (3:36)

Because I was so excited to ask you about this because I know it is very buzzy. It's very controversial. People have a lot of thoughts, even in prepping for this. I was asking around, oh, what's your parenting style? Just to see if anyone I'm interacting with does gentle parenting. And so I want to get your opinion.

Where do you stand on this approach? And also for anyone that maybe doesn't know what it is, if you can explain it a little bit.

Becky Kennedy (4:04)

So I don't even know if I'm the best person to explain it. And I think probably it's been portrayed, like most things in these extreme ways in the media that nobody actually believes. It's just makes for funny memes, you know? So I think the stereotypical gentle parent focuses a lot on their kids' feelings. A lot. Oh, you're so mad. No wonder you're so mad. They really care about their kids' feelings. And I don't think the intention is to stay there, but I think people believe that gentle parenting is an attention on your kids' feelings without a focus on boundaries and rules and kind of the other half. And so the term gentle parenting, what I can say, has never appealed to me, because when I think about my best parenting moments, gentle is just so far down the list of how I would describe myself.