Couples, Cash, and Conflict: The Emotional Cost of Joint Finances

Tim Elliott (0:00)

This is the Morning Drive. We all know that managing money as a partnership involves spreadsheets, and budgets, and savings goals. But beneath the numbers, there is a complex web of emotional triggers of sometimes guilt, differing values, and friction points. So why do couples who are otherwise maybe perfectly matched, or at least on the outside, perfectly matched, why do they often find themselves locked in silent warfare for credit card statements and spending styles? And how do we build open communication that aligns financial values without killing the romance?

That's what you have to answer today, James Thomas, Independent Financial Consultant. Are you ready?

James Thomas (0:44)

I think so, yes. Good morning.

Tim Elliott (0:47)

This is an interesting one actually because I think-

James Thomas (0:49)

It's very interesting. Well, I hope it did not riddle with too much guilt and doubt and all the other negatives, but it can do.

Tim Elliott (0:55)

So, yes. It can be. And obviously, money can be a great friction point in so many ways.

James Thomas (1:01)

Yes.

Tim Elliott (1:02)

But let me ask you this to start with. So, you have some advisory experience. How many years is it?

James Thomas (1:10)

Twenty-seven years.

Tim Elliott (1:12)

Twenty-seven years of advisory experience. So, you're well placed to answer this.

James Thomas (1:15)

I hope so.

Tim Elliott (1:16)

And very often, I guess, you're working with couples who are...

James Thomas (1:20)

Very often, yes.

Tim Elliott (1:21)

Okay. So, they're looking to align financial goals. How often do you find that financial arguments are maybe reading between the lines? And I know you probably can't say too much, but very often, they're about something a little bit deeper than just the numbers on a bank statement, aren't they?

James Thomas (1:37)

Often, they are, yes. And when you sent me the notes in advance, I thought, hmm.

You've hit a very good point there because I'm sitting there, obviously, even my financial hat on, I need to talk about planning for the future, retirement, whatever it might be. And suddenly you feel this tension and this, oh.

Tim Elliott (2:00)

Well, this is the potential for entering the laundry, isn't there, kind of saying it in public, I suppose.

James Thomas (2:05)

The nicest possible way, I'm not qualified to, I'm qualified to talk about the finances. When you then start to get into these emotional discussions and the, it brings out potentially other issues that, in a way, are way beyond just the financial planning goals, but equally are probably just as important to bring out, but probably for them to discuss once I've left.

Tim Elliott (2:32)

Well, actually, I mean, in a way, if you sit and look at your finances, whether you're as a couple or as a business, it doesn't really matter.

It does that by the very nature of looking at the finances. You kind of open yourself up, because it is a very private thing, but you're also opening yourself up in other ways, aren't you, to examine other areas of your life. And I suppose with couples, you're not a couple's mediator. So it's do the financial stuff, and then I'll be off now, and you just get on with what you need to talk about. But I just think that's interesting, because it's a really tough area to negotiate, and I'm using the verb negotiate there on purpose, because it, I guess, with couples, it is a negotiation in lots of ways. And money has kind of psychological weight in relationships. It's a difficult thing to broach if you're aligned. It's certainly difficult to broach if you're not aligned as well. Do you see what I mean?

James Thomas (3:28)

Very much, and it's, but it's, I guess, hopefully one of my jobs is, if you like, is to try and lift that weight, to make people realize that money shouldn't be scared of, shouldn't be something to bury and not discuss. If nothing else, if I can't help with other parts of the relationship, at least I can certainly help with the finance, but remove that, hopefully try and lift that level of concern, that, as you say, that heaviness, that weight, to money that people often have. Because we've discussed in the past, it's one of those areas, it's one of the last few frontiers, if you like, that we don't discuss enough. Health has even become, thankfully, less so.

You know, lots of health issues that in the past, people would not have discussed, because they would have been embarrassed, shamed, for no reason. Nothing to be embarrassed or shamed of, but they wouldn't have discussed. Whereas, thankfully, now, we do have more open discussions, or more so. Perhaps there's still areas that people don't like, but even then, now with awareness campaigns, these things have been reduced. Whereas finance and money, I think, again, that we've discussed, is not taught at school, or certainly not in a practical sense. So people are often nervous, unsure, uncertain, and therefore, that breeds that concern, that doubt, that weightiness to it, that if I can sit down and help lift that, then I feel like I've added something positive to that discussion.