Chapter 1: A Day of Very Low Probability

Jack Voraces (0:01)

Harry Potter and The Methods of Rationality Written by Eliezer Yudkowsky Narrated by Jack Voraces Chapter 1 A Day of Very Low Probability Beneath the moonlight glints a tiny fragment of silver, a fraction of a line.

Black robes falling, blood spills out in litres, and someone screams a word.

Every inch of wall space is covered by a bookcase. Each bookcase has six shelves going almost to the ceiling. Some bookshelves are stacked to the brim with hardback books, science, maths, history and everything else. Other shelves have two layers of paperback science fiction, with the back layer of books propped up on old tissue boxes or lengths of wood, so that you can see the back layers of books above the books in front. And it still isn't enough. Books are overflowing onto the tables and the sofas, and making little heaps under the windows. This is the living room of the house occupied by the eminent, Professor Michael Varys Evans and his wife, Mrs. Petunia Evans Varys, and their adopted son, Harry James Potter Evans Varys. There is a letter lying on the living room table, and an unstamped envelope of yellowish parchment addressed to Mr. H. Potter, in emerald green ink. The professor and his wife are speaking sharply at each other, but they're not shouting. The professor considers shouting to be uncivilized.

You're joking, Michael said to Petunia. His tone indicated that he was very much afraid that she was serious. My sister was a witch, Petunia repeated. She looked frightened but stood her ground.

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Her husband was a wizard.

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This is absurd, Michael said sharply. They were at our wedding. They visited for Christmas.

I told them you weren't to know, Petunia whispered.

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But it's true. I've seen things.

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The professor rolled his eyes.

Dear, I understand that you're not familiar with the skeptical literature. You may not realize how easy it is for a trained magician to fake the seemingly impossible. Remember how I taught Harry to bend spoons?

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If it seems like they could always guess what you were thinking, that's called cold reading.

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It wasn't bending spoons.

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What was it then?

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Petunia bit her lip.

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I can't just tell you. You think I'm...

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She swallowed.

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Listen, Michael, I wasn't always like this.

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She gestured at herself as though to indicate her lithe form.

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Lily did this because I...

Because I begged her. For years, I begged her. Lily had always been prettier than me, and I'd been mean to her because of that, and then she got magic.

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Can you imagine how I felt? And I begged her to use some of that magic on me so that I could be pretty too.

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Even if I couldn't have her magic, at least I could be pretty.

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Tears were gathering in Petunia's eyes.

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And Lily would tell me no and make up the most ridiculous excuses, like the world would end if she were nice to her sister or a centaur told her not to.

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The most ridiculous things.

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And I hated her for it. And when I had just graduated from university, I was going out with this boy, Vernon Dursley. He was fat and he was the only boy who would talk to me. And he said he wanted children and that his first son would be named Dudley.

And I thought to myself, what kind of parent names their child Dudley Dursley? It was like I saw my whole future life stretching out in front of me and I couldn't stand it. And I wrote to my sister and told her that if she didn't help me, I'd rather just...

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Petunia stopped. Anyway, Petunia said, her voice small, she gave in.

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She told me it was dangerous. And I said I didn't care anymore. And I drank this potion and I was sick for weeks.

But when I got better, my skin cleared up and I finally filled out. And I was beautiful.

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People were nice to me.

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Her voice broke.

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And after that, I couldn't hate my sister anymore. Especially when I learned what her magic brought her in the end.

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Darling, Michael said gently, you got sick.

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You gained some weight while resting in bed and your skin cleared up on its own. Or being sick made you change your diet.