Celebrated via a Retrospective of Episodes 500-599 (from the Vault #700)

**Scooter** (0:07)
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it's time for the podcast that's here to really try to put some kindness in your ears and warm some kindness in your heart. Maybe you could take your hand and hold it against your chest, or fold your hands, or wrap your blankets around you a little bit tighter, and take a breath and give some kindness to yourself, and maybe we could give some kindness out tomorrow. But for now, I'm here to help you rest and get some sleep. I'm your friend, your bore friend. I'm here to help. And why am I telling you this? Because it's time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that's here to put you to sleep. Now if you do fall asleep during the intro, and you're a regular listener, if you're new, don't worry about any of this. But if you're a regular listener, if you could pay attention just for the next few minutes, or when your hand hits the fridge tomorrow, go to sleepwithmepodcast.com and check, because this is how we keep the show going.
Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. All you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights and press play. I'm gonna do the rest. What I'm going to attempt to do is to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake, whether it's thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, time, temperature, changes in routine, travel, work, play, whatever it is, I'm here to help. It could just be stuff, annoying outside noises, whatever it is, I really, truly, genuinely, I'm here to help you. Now, if I guess it doesn't work for everybody, if you're new, give it a few tries. But also don't try to make too much sense of this. This intro is not going to make a whole lot of sense. It'll just barely make sense. That's kind of how the podcast works. But here's what I'm going to try to do is try to create a safe place, as I said. I'm going to smooth it, I'm going to pat it, I'm going to rub it down. I'm going to send my voice across the deep dark night. I'm going to use the lolling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, which I think you could hear pretty clearly. Pointless meanders, rustified tangents, mishandled metaphors. I don't think there's been in all the days of metaphors, that there's never been someone who's mishandled their metaphors. Also mislabeled them and even missing metaphors. Metaphors you'll miss. But I'm also something like, if I sang ballads like Yacht Rock, you know what Yacht Rock is? I think I'd sing, if I was, I don't know, is Christopher Cross, is he one of the people that sings those kind of ballads? I would sing a song about missing metaphors.
Seriously, I would sing, I don't know if it would be straight up love ballad. I think more of like power, is that a power ballad? Maybe I should save these questions for a little while. Has anyone written a love song to a metaphor? I guess we'll know, maybe we'll probe that in a minute. But if you're new, welcome. Let me tell you about the structure of the show, just so you have like a... Because that's what I just do. So the show starts off with a few minutes of business. That's how we keep the show going and free. Then there's an intro, which I just started. The intros are around 12 minutes or so. It's kind of like a monologue where I mishandle things. I mean, basically, my metaphors and everything else. Like normally, a normal intro, you could say, boom, this is the podcast to put you to sleep. I'm going to do it. I got candles, I got sleep grease, I got incantations, I got whatever. I have sublime. I don't have any of that though. I have intuition, no superstition.
With the power of Titian, I'm putting you to sleep. That would be welcome to sleep pros or something. It would be PROS. I think I try to use sleepy pros. I mean, as I just said, my pros to sleep even. But that would be, we're a sleep team. We got shing, and then we got sympathetic vibrations. We got them. So that might be another podcast. This one, I try to do that in one or two minutes. It takes me about 12 But what I found is during the intro, some people start to unwind. They listen as they go through the bedtime routine, or they get in bed and they start to wind down. Other people fall asleep during the intro. And some people skip the intro. They say, hey, I want to get to the bedtime story. So they know to jump ahead like 14 minutes or so.