Caller: “How Do I Stop Cheating on My Girlfriends?”

Jacob (0:05)

I first cheated on a partner back in high school. I cheated on her early in the relationship, and I guess from that point forward, I'm not really sure why I felt such a strong inclination towards cheating on her, but I felt like I could do it and get away with it, so I just continued to do it.

John Delony (0:22)

Do you want to stop?

What's going on? This is John with The Dr. John Delony Show. I'm glad that you are with us. Talking about your marriages, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat, we're going to figure out what's the next right step for you to take in reclaiming ownership of your life, who you want to be, and where you want to be, wherever it is you're going. Click the link in the show notes if you want to be on the show. If you want to sit down and have a phone call with me. Love to have you on, and it's an honor that you're here. Let's go out to Baton Rouge, Baton Rouge, Louisiana and talk to Jacob. What's up, Jacob?

Jacob (1:06)

Hey, how's it going?

John Delony (1:07)

I'm good, man. How are you?

Jacob (1:09)

I'm good. It's an honor to speak to you. I'm very nervous.

John Delony (1:13)

Well, I echo your nervousness because I get nervous too, because I'm still trying to figure out how to do this thing. But I am glad that you called, man. I appreciate your trust.

Jacob (1:20)

Of course. Thank you.

John Delony (1:21)

What's up?

Jacob (1:23)

So I want to know how I can stop cheating on my partners and become a more loyal partner and just overall a better person as a result of that.

John Delony (1:34)

What has led you in your life to believe you are powerless to cheat on somebody?

Jacob (1:43)

That's a good question. I would say that I first cheated on a partner back in high school, my junior year of high school.

I cheated on her early in the relationship. And I guess from that point forward, I just continued to do so. I'm not really sure why I felt such a strong inclination towards cheating on her, but I felt like I could do it and get away with it. So I just continued to do it.

John Delony (2:08)

How old are you now?

Jacob (2:10)

I'm now 23

John Delony (2:12)

And you're still cheating on romantic partners?

Jacob (2:14)

Yes.

John Delony (2:16)

Do you want to stop?

Jacob (2:18)

Yes.

John Delony (2:19)

Why?

Jacob (2:21)

It's just not the kind of person I want to be. One day I want to be married with a family and be a good husband. And also, I live with a lot of guilt for the people that I've hurt by cheating.

And a lot of regret for it.

John Delony (2:38)

So if you were to, like cheating is a big heavy thing, right? And it's a violation of your values. Like you said, it hurts people, it hurts you. It's just, it's a thing. But if we back out of it, this might sound like a strange question, but what problem does cheating solve in your life? It is working for you in some way.

And it's easy to look back on a thing that we're doing that leaves such a trail of devastation in its wake, right? But coming at the other angle, what does it do for you? Cause it's doing something for you. Cause you wouldn't keep doing it if it wasn't solving a problem for you.

Jacob (3:16)

I have a couple of theories, not things I consciously think about when I'm cheating, but just looking back in retrospect and trying to evaluate why I may have acted certain ways. I think that it could be to try to give me validation.

John Delony (3:29)

You already have that. You already have that if you're dating somebody.

Jacob (3:33)

Right.

But the thing is that when I'm cheating with someone, it's almost like I'm a lot more interested in the idea that someone, and not just someone obviously, because I do already have a partner, but that multiple people want to engage in physical activities with me. And knowing that gives me some sort of validation. That just one partner wanting me, I guess, isn't enough. Knowing that a lot of people want me feels more satisfying.

John Delony (4:06)

What about the other side of what I would call the anti-validation? When then this person, you leave this rendezvous or this hookup and you look yourself in the mirror, and you know like that was despicable. And now I have to decide whether I'm going to be a liar too, and not tell my partner what's going on, or I'm going to tell them and destroy them.