Break Wide the Sea -- Sara Holland

**Eileen Stevens** (0:00)
I told him he could read for half an hour since we're making him miss the party, so I give it two hours before he's asleep. It's not a party, I say pointlessly, because she's not listening. She's radiant, as always. But I can read the nervousness in her pale set face, how she glances in the mirror and tugs at one lock of carefully curled hair.
Should teach her how to hide that, I think, soon before, this is pretty. She reaches for the seashell on top of my writing desk, a peach and white conch shell nested in a black silk handkerchief. I whirl around, almost tearing one of the buttons from my dress in my haste to fling a hand out and block her path. Don't touch that. She steps back, raising her palms in a conciliatory gesture. All right, I won't. Her brown eyes are wide, alarmed. I take a deep breath and step back, aware that I moved too quickly.
I'm sorry. I opt for a partial truth in hopes that she'll buy it. I'm just nervous for tonight. The shell is from August and I suppose I suppose I'm rather protective of it. As I speak, I wrap the shell in the handkerchief, the spine's sharp, even through two layers of silk, and place it carefully in the top drawer of my dresser. When I look back up, my little sister is watching me, quiet, considering. If you say so, she says eventually, do you want me to do up your buttons in the back? Please. I turn around so my back is to her, and move my dark blonde braid over the front of my shoulder, eyes down so as not to meet my own gaze in the mirror. Lydia comes up behind me, lifting her hands. I will myself to be calm, to act like I have nothing to hide, because why should I be afraid? Her fingers are soft and warm and nimble, fixing the lace at the nape of my neck where my skin is still smooth. Her smile in the mirror is sweet, placid. If she feels my pulse thudding under my skin, she says nothing.
There have been times these past few years when I've caught her looking at me strangely, or for too long. Times when she asked if I was all right, and when I said yes, she held my gaze like she was trying to catch me out in a lie. But those moments grew fewer and farther between, and now she never asks at all. Our conversations sent her around frivolous things, everyday matters. News from the docs, gossip from the neighbors, I'm not sure if that's because I've gotten better at lying, at hiding, or if she's simply given up on hearing the truth from me. My fingers itch in their gloves. I grip the corner of the vanity and try not to think about it.
So how do we inspire the shareholders to have confidence in us? Lydia asks as we make our way down the stairs. The sounds of the shareholder meeting getting louder and clearer as we go. Dozens of voices merge into a roaring tide, impossible to distinguish as individuals.
August and I will be announcing the voyage of the heraldr to the north, I reply. We'll be sending our best sailors on the expedition. That should win us some points. I grip the banister as I descend, polished wood smooth under my gloves, trying to remind myself of the solid ground beneath me. There's the sound of wine glasses clinking together. The rich smell of a cooking meal mixing with the perfume of freshly cut flowers. And the string players we hired underpinning everything with a lilting, refined harmony. That was one of the lessons Papa gave me. Whenever people gather to discuss the affairs of the Fairfax Whaling Company, make it an event. Make them feel lucky to be there.
I pause at the last landing before we reach the first floor entrance hall, suddenly gripped by a wave of dread at the thought of rounding the corner of all those eyes on me for the whole interminable evening.
Anyway, just be your charming self, I tell Lydia's stalling. Leave the business talk to me in August. Maybe someone has a pretty daughter you can talk to.
The curse is worse now than it's ever been. It's getting harder and harder to hide. Maybe Lydia didn't notice the new gloves upstairs.
Maybe she really just failed to see my too fast movement when she reached for the shell, but so many more people will be watching me tonight. I'll have to be careful. I run through the rules in my mind. Don't move too fast.