Bob D. AA Male

**Bob** (0:07)
In four months, it will be. Steve will go, Bob who?
My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic. And only through the grace of a god that I was afraid to believe in, that I have access to maintain in my life through a process outlined in a book called Alcoholics Anonymous, an ability to remain reasonably sponsorable and a persistent and consistent effort in our primary purpose, helping other drunks to have not a drink or any mind or emotion-altering substance since October 31st, 1978 And that's the great miracle in my life.
I'm delighted to be here. I, before the weekend's over, you're going to probably know more about me than you ever imagined you needed to know. But I'd like to know who's here. Are there any Al-Anons here?
I could feel you.
Welcome. Glad you're here. How about people in their over 30 years sober?
Oh, great. No? All right. Okay. How about people over 10 years sober? Wow. That's cool. How about people under a year sober? Wow. Glad you're here.
Anybody in their first 30 days.
Anybody in their last 30 days?
Yeah, right.
They always have one that goes, yeah, I'm out of here.
I don't know why I'm an alcoholic. My mother and father weren't alcoholics. I've had alcoholics in my family. I came from a childhood burdened by love.
And that sounds bizarre, but I'll tell you, I sat in meetings when I was in and out of AA, back in my late teens, early 20s. I was in and out of the program, and I'd listen to these speakers talking about their horrific childhood. It sounds sick, but there was a part of me that kind of wished I'd had that. Then I could have somebody to hang my weirdness on, right? But I was just weird. I just, I was weird as a little kid. My mother used to say, Rob, you're fully yourself. And I didn't know what she meant until I was about three years sober.
That I was obsessively self-involved, even before I picked up a drink. I must have been like a freeze-dried alcoholic waiting for alcohol.
Because when I picked up my first drink, I was twelve, almost thirteen years old, and I'm with a bunch of older guys, and I wanted to fit with these guys so bad, because these were the cool kids. These were the kids that when they walked into a dance, or they walked down the hall, the other kids got out of the way. And they had some kind of power. And I got a big secret, and the big secret is I'm afraid, and I'm weak, and I'm pathetic, and I don't fit, and I've developed this pretend facade. I pretend I'm okay. I pretend I fit. I pretend I'm not afraid, and I ain't none of it, really. And I'm like cowering behind the facade, and I wanted to fit with these kids so bad, man. I thought, man, I want to be the guy who makes other people afraid. I don't want to be the guy who's afraid all the time.
And we pulled a burglary in the neighborhood that I lived in. I'm a little wannabe gangster. I've just, if they had said, we're going to go kill the math teacher, I'm in. I mean, I'm just, I was just in, you know? And we broke into this house, and as a little wannabe gangster, I didn't understand why they went right by the TV set and the stereo and went right to the liquor cabinet, because I had never even seen anybody drunk. I didn't even know that it got you high. My parents, I think they had a beer occasionally, but I didn't even get it. I just knew it was something for adults, but I didn't know what that was about. And it was the first time that this thing within me that I've come to believe is this spiritual malady of alcoholism was ever touched by the medicine of alcohol. And it was an event that would literally change the course of my life. And I didn't know it for years and years how this major shift just occurred right there. You don't know that you're feeling bad until you're no longer feeling bad, right? And you don't, it's like when the first time I got lit up, it did something for me that was spectacular. I remember thinking to myself, I was, all of a sudden, the pretend kid who doesn't fit could come out and play. And I could talk to people with an ease that I could, I never could do that. I could be funny. I'm not funny, I'm a mope. But you get me about drunk, you get me drunk, I'm funny. You crack me up, I'm funny.