Ask Jay: How Do I Let Go?

**Jay Shetty** (0:00)
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Hey, it's Jay, I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself, because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon.
We have all had those moments where our minds are racing from a difficult conversation, reeling from the aftermath of a toxic situation, or just feeling overwhelmed by the weight of the day. In these moments, human connection is what we need, and texting someone or emailing them just doesn't make sense. I get so many of my friends who will say to me, Jay, it's just too much to type. I need to voice note you. Real viewers and listeners are recording voice notes about everyday situations, and I'm listening to each one so we can unpack them together. Thank you so much for calling in. It's good to hear your voice. Today we're diving into your stories about letting go.
Whether it's the person you cannot stop thinking about despite how they treated you, a betrayal you cannot seem to forget, or the closure you never received. We're tackling it all. I've listened to every voice note you sent, and I'm here to help us unpack these situations together.
You ready?

**SPEAKER_2** (2:35)
Hi Jay. I have an ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me on Valentine's Day this year, and our end of the relationship was pretty bad for me. Seems like not for him.
And I was trying to fix this relationship with communication and asking for couple therapy and try to communicate. But the end was pretty bad. We were arguing and fighting a lot.
And yeah, he broke up with me. And it wasn't a clear cut because sometimes we are still talking, but just when he wants it, today he's visiting me because it was a long distance relationship. And he's still making me hope like bread crumbling. And my question is, how can I overcome this need to be a good girl and to finally choose myself without feeling bad for it? Even though my biggest wish because of trauma bonding is to end up with this person, also my head knows it is not the right decision to beg for love.

**Jay Shetty** (3:34)
First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this breakup. And second of all, being broken up with on any day is terrible. Being broken up with on Valentine's Day or your birthday or an anniversary or Christmas or on the holidays is the worst. But it sounds like you invested a lot in this relationship. It sounds like you made time for it. Sounds like you put in a lot of effort. The fact that you were encouraging couples therapy. These are all signs that you really believed in this relationship, that it mattered to you, that it was important to you. And the reason I raised that is because when you're offering things like couple therapy, you're really saying, hey, can we find time to work on us? Can we create a space where this matters? I really believe in what we're building. Can we take some time to actually invest in it together? And of course, from what it sounds like, those bids for affection, those bids for commitment, those bids for investment were not reciprocated. It sounds like he wasn't someone who wanted to go to couple's therapy. It sounds like he wasn't someone who was meeting you where you were trying to meet the relationship. And I think what's fascinating is that this word reciprocation has just become one of my favorite words in relationships, especially in our primary relationships. So we have secondary and tertiary relationships, whether it be friends, whether it be family members we don't see often. But what's interesting is that the person you spend your life with is the only primary relationship you actually choose. Your other primary relationship are your parents, if you have any siblings, or the people you grew up around. Those were primary relationships you didn't choose, but the primary relationship you choose in your life is your partner. And if your primary relationship doesn't have reciprocation, doesn't have investment, doesn't have effort in the way that you're bringing into a relationship, that's a sign that you're almost having the relationship for the both of you. You're almost carrying a relationship that requires two people to be in it, but you're carrying all the weight yourself. Think about going to a grocery store and you go shopping with your partner, you pay for it, you buy the eggs, the milk, the bread, whatever else it may be, and then you're on your way back, but you're carrying all the weight. You're the one unpacking it when you get home, you're the one putting it in the refrigerator, you're the one cooking that night, and the other person's there, but they're not helping you carry the weight. The question you really have to ask yourself in this scenario is, is that the type of relationship I want?