Ask Jay: How Do I Forgive?

**Jay Shetty** (0:01)
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Today I want to explore forgiveness.
We're so often told that forgiving someone is the required next step if we want to heal, or that holding on to anger means we're stuck. But forcing forgiveness before you're ready can leave you feeling even more compromised. Healing does not run on a strict schedule, and moving forward does not mean pretending the hurt never happened.
Let's dive in.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:02)
Two years back, I gave away this custody of my son to my ex-husband on the account of getting mutual divorce because I didn't want to go through a contest and then I've been waiting quite a long time to get the divorce done, but the custody was never an easy thing. So I did that and within two years, I have faced numerous challenge to be in touch with him, my son, video call or even to meet, even to take him home. And I keep wondering because I keep hearing from others that I made a wrong decision of giving away the custody. However, I decided not only on one part of how the life would be with me or with my ex-husband and decided to give away the custody. Now, I sit with, am I a good mother? My question is, did I do right? Is it okay not to feel bad about it? Society makes me feel, but I don't feel it. Is it okay to not feel the feeling of mother and looking towards my new life? It's just these thoughts keep eating me and then I don't know when I get these questions. I don't get any answers.

**Jay Shetty** (3:04)
What a genuinely difficult thing to be sitting with and thank you for trusting me with it.
I've never been through a divorce and I've never had to make a decision about custody. But I do not need to have experienced those things to know that they're amongst the most complicated situations a person can face, especially when I've coached people through them. It's an understatement to say there is no definitive right way to handle either of them. And I'm so sorry you've been judged so harshly.
Now, you asked me three direct questions. Am I a good mother? Did I do the right thing? And is it okay not to feel bad about it?
I honestly can't answer the first two. And I would be suspicious of anyone who claimed they could. There's no settled definition of what makes a good mother or a single standard for having done something right. But there is research on what makes an effective parent. And I think you'll find it reassuring.
A psychologist named Robert Epstein tested several recommended parenting practices against each other to see which ones predicted not just a strong bond between parent and child, but also whether the child grew up happy and healthy. The practice that ranked number one was Love and Affection. This includes supporting your child, accepting them, being physically affectionate, and spending quality one-on-one time together. Two of the next three top practices did not even directly involve the child. Managing your own stress and maintaining a workable relationship with the other parent. Notice that legal custody is not anywhere on that list. It does not name how many nights your child sleeps under your roof or whose address appears on the paperwork. Everything on that list describes what happens between you and your child when you are actually together. Not the administrative circumstances that dictate when that takes place. Which makes me ask, what is your relationship with your son like? When you FaceTime, are you bonding, chatting, laughing and connecting? The answers to those questions tell you what the relationship truly is, regardless of how it looks to outsiders.