Ari Shaffir: A Joke About Weird Religion

**Ari Shaffir** (0:05)
By the way, you guys, I'm focusing on Judaism just because it's my religion. It's the one I know most about. You probably know most about that. But I'm just one religion in many religions, right? So what I'm hoping you guys do tonight in this whole week and month and shit, go home and examine your own crazy shit from your own religion. Because I just don't know all your crazy shit, but I know you have crazy shit. Everybody does. I just know very little. What's that one kind of Christian that fucking drowns those people? And you act like that's normal. Baptists, yeah, what the, guys, that's not chill. That's very, I saw it in a movie at 21 years old. It's a fucking religious leader in a wet t-shirt contest in a creek in Kentucky. And then he's standing there up to his, and somebody rushes at me, he's like, blah, blah, blah. I said, Jesus. It's like Kill Bill, where he's like, who's gonna come at me? And then he just ups it, and suddenly he was like, hand me a baby. And I'm like, what? No way. Turn this up. I'm like, nobody's gonna hand this guy a baby. And all these people are like, my baby! My baby! Do my baby! I thought they were gonna start throwing babies at him, like fucking Trump in Puerto Rico with the towels.
And he gets a baby. I don't know what he'd say. He was like, you know, whatever. By the power of Grayskull, I have the power of Grayskull. Oh, he's got cheese in him. I love my job!
Yeah, so you guys got crazy shit too, but none of what you got is as crazy as this thing. This comes from Kabbalah, Jewish mysticism. And there's a book in there called the Zohar, which is the most out-there mystical book there is. Like, it's out there, and they tell you not to study it because it's about ghosts and the afterlife and shit like that. Most of Judaism is honestly just how to live a day-to-day life, like how to love your wife. We do respect our wives. You just can't participate, but you gotta respect your wife. How to love your wife, you know, how to keep kosher, what happens if a goy hams up your soup, you know, all that stuff. And the Zohar is like, why bother? And it drove men insane to study it. Like, so they say you're not supposed to study it till you're 35 and married. But I saw it on a shelf in Myasheba, Jerusalem, and I was, you know, Jews are inquisitive. We're nosy on two fronts.
Nobody's looking. I'm like, fuck it, I'm cracking it. I opened it up. I thought ghosts were going to fly out. Like, you know, like one of those Harry Potter books. It's just a book. It's just a book. So I read it and I read one passage before they found me and stopped me. And it was, it's about masturbation. I got lucky. So you know how you're not supposed to masturbate in like every religion? There's not one religion. It's like, no, go for it. It feels awesome. Why wouldn't you do it? Of course masturbate. Look how long I made your arm.
I could have gone with any design. I went from scratch. I went thumb on top on both hands. Come on.
No, don't touch it. Every religion is like, don't touch it. So in the Zohar, it says that when you are masturbating, when you do masturbate, what happens is, unbeknownst to you, a demon woman comes into the room, you know, I know, and she rides you. She fucks you. You can't see her or feel her, so calm down, incels. And she rides you, and then when you come, she goes into her, and she gets pregnant. And then she, yeah, this is all real shit, dude. Well, whatever, I mean, none of this is real shit, but... It's as real as Adam and Eve. And she rides you, and she gets pregnant, and she goes off to this nether region. Like, it's not heaven or hell or earth. It's just like this in-between. It's kind of like Stranger Things, the upside down. And she goes and has your baby. And the next time you masturbate, she comes back, and she rides you again. Might be a month later, it's probably like 20 minutes later. And every single time you masturbate, the same demon lady rides you. And every single time, she gets pregnant. She might be Latina.
It's tough to say. They didn't really have that in the Old Testament, but the signs point to that's what they were saying. And all through your teens, you're just whipping out these demon kids. Just kids, kids, kids, kids, kids. In your 20s, kids, kids, kids, these demon kids you have. Oh, and it describes the kids, and they are fucked up. Yeah, not only because they grew up in a single-parent household. Yeah, that can mess with any child. It's worse than that. They're mutants. Describes them. They're half demon, half human. So they're all deformed. They got one short leg, one short arm, like 18 eyeballs going on their side. Oh, and they hate you. Yeah, because I guess somebody told them, if you were just waiting and fucked a regular human, they could have been a regular boy or girl. You couldn't wait, could you, degenerate piece of shit? You saw an inside out sock on the floor, and you're like, I'm gonna make a little demon baby right now.