Ari Shaffir: A Joke About Condoms

**Ari Shaffir** (0:03)
I'm fucking pregnant off a Tinder date.
She said she was invatating two different kinds of birth control pill, so they used a condom, but the condom broke. And she said, and they got the morning after pill the next day, the Plan B pill, and it didn't take. Doesn't always work, I know. Yeah, when you hear that out loud, you realize, like, she's definitely a liar. There's no way, there's no way. Any one of those things should have killed that baby. There's no way all four didn't do it. There's a sperm breaking tackles, like, it's Emmett Smith and his prime. Nobody believes that. And who's breaking condoms, by the way? If you're breaking condoms, you're fucking wrong. You're not 17 anymore. How are you? You're just like... Ugh! I broke another one! I know! Slow down! Why are you drilling? There's no oil down there, bro. Fucking kiss once in a while or something.
You're not supposed to break. One time when I was little, I was like seven, eight years old, something like that, I found a condom, unused, and I didn't know what to do with it, you know? Seven-year-old, I was still like 10 years away from using condoms. And, like, 15 years away from no longer using condoms. Like, don't suck. You girls have no idea how shitty they are. That's female privilege. You've never worn a condom. That's female privilege. Nobody ever talks about that.
Here's what condoms feel like, just so you know. A condom feels like you're getting a massage while you're wearing a winter coat.
Where you're like, I get what you're going for. It doesn't feel unpleasant, but some skin-to-skin contact would help this a long way.
Anyway, so I found this condom, right? I didn't know what to do with it. Seven-year-old, eight-year-old. So what are you going to do? So I made a water balloon out of it. You know, that's what kids do. I made it big, too. I made it like that big. I mean, I tested the strength of this condom. It was like shaking when I wasn't even touching it. That's how fucking full it was. It was shaped like this.
I didn't just sit on my porch with the molecules almost breaking through it. And I'm like, what am I going to do with it? It's my masterpiece. At the time, it was the best thing I'd ever done in my life. I'm like, what am I going to do? And that's when my buddy come around the corner, right? I was like, oh, I'm going to bean this motherfucker. That's what this condom water balloon was put on the earth for. I soaked my buddy's hair, and so I picked it up, right? He didn't see me at all. Then as soon as it came around the corner, I just fucking hooked him as hard as I could, and it just bounced off of him and fell down, bounced away, didn't even break. How are you breaking it with love thrusts? You're fucking wrong. That's how you got pregnant off a Tinder date. Stream Ari Shaffir, Double Negative, only on Netflix.