Are attachment styles more than a social media trend?

SPEAKER_1 (0:00)

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Flora Lichtman (0:17)

Hey, it's Flora, and you're listening to Science Friday.

In the past few years, this idea of attachment styles has really taken off both online and in therapy sessions. It's gone from this kind of niche psychological concept to a meme-ified shorthand that describes how we act in relationships. And if you've never heard of attachment styles, here is the short crash course. There's anxious attachment, which can mean seeking constant reassurance, avoidant attachment, fleeing when someone tries to get close, fearful avoidant attachment, also called disorganized. And that's some combination of the two you just heard. And then there's secure attachment, which is what it sounds like.

But just how much science backs up this framework, and what are attachment influencers getting wrong? Columbia University psychiatrist and neuroscientist, Dr. Amir Levine has written two books about attachment styles. His first in 2010, Attached and Secure, which came out earlier this year. Amir, welcome to Science Friday.

Amir Levine (1:26)

Hey, it's great to be here.

Flora Lichtman (1:27)

It's great to have you. Can you give me an example of how each attachment style might manifest in a relationship, so people can kind of reflect on themselves in their own relationships, and understand where they might fall in the quadrant?

Amir Levine (1:44)

Yeah, you know, I'm glad you're asking that, because it's like this whole idea of attachment styles. It really is everywhere. And I can give you like an example. Let's say you're getting back from vacation, and there's like a message waiting for you from your partner.

Call me, we need to talk. So what goes through your head? What are you thinking? Are you thinking, oh my god, no, this is going to be, this is the end? They're calling me, they want to break up? Do you think, oh my god, they're so needy, I just got back and they already want some attention? And then you don't bother calling? Or you're like, oh my god, I think they want to break up with me, but I don't have time for this, I can't deal with them, so you just completely ignore it.

Or you think, oh wow, they're probably planning something really fun for us, and adding it there, like the surprise party.

SPEAKER_4 (2:33)

That's secure, I take it.

Amir Levine (2:36)

So the way that you respond is really pretty much based on your attachment styles, which are also called working models.

Flora Lichtman (2:43)

So in that example you just gave, if your response was, oh, they're going to break up with me. Is that a classically anxious attachment response?

Amir Levine (2:55)

Yes, exactly. The whole idea about anxious is that they're very sensitive to potential danger in relationship. But it's not just danger, and we can get into that more. They have some superpowers, and remind me to tell you about that because it's very important. But for now, let's just say, yes, they will respond to potential danger much more. They have a very sensitive radar for that. They're like, oh no, something may go wrong, something may go wrong, so that's the anxious. They really are afraid of being rejected, they're afraid of not being loved as much as they love. There's a lot of worry, like they worry a lot about the intactness of their relationship. They also think that relationships are very fragile.

Flora Lichtman (3:31)

Right, okay, and then if you were the person who's like, stop smothering me, I just got back, that's avoidant.

Amir Levine (3:38)

Yes, so avoidance, they need a measure of distance in a relationship.

They want to be in a relationship because I think the vast majority of us are wired to be in relationships, but that's what oftentimes they don't understand. All of a sudden, they find themselves in a relationship and they feel, oh my god, this is suffocating. And also, they have this stance where like, everybody should take care of their own problems, and should be self-sufficient. You should just look after your own self. If you become dependent on someone else, then you've made a mistake. So that's like a classic avoidant stance.

Flora Lichtman (4:12)

Okay. And then the disorganized is this sort of combination of the two, where you're like both like, you're smothering me, but also you're going to break up with me, and I don't know what to do.

Amir Levine (4:23)

Yeah. So on one hand, it's like come closer, and on the other hand, like stay away, stay away. So it's very confusing and can be very, very difficult and challenging in relationships. So they have a yearning, unlike their regular avoidance, like I don't need anyone, I could be on my own.