Alana Johnston: Dangerous Bowl Cuts, Self Esteem, and Dog Parenting

SPEAKER_1 (0:00)

The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

Sabrina Jalees (0:03)

Oh, yeah, me too.

Natasha Leggero (0:04)

No, that was the same part, because that's...

Sabrina Jalees (0:06)

Oh, my God.

Natasha Leggero (0:07)

That's in the script, is like the different various extras who are serving.

Alana Johnston (0:13)

So if you want to be a good parent, instill your child with enough self-esteem to think that being a waiter is booking a role.

Sabrina Jalees (0:33)

Let's get right into this.

Alana Johnston (0:34)

Wait, we started?

Sabrina Jalees (0:35)

We're... Yeah. We start when we want to start. What the helly? We wait for a little quiver in our bodies, and that tells us that it's time to start. And I felt the quiver. Did you feel the quiver?

We just got it now. We all just came. I came.

SPEAKER_6 (0:50)

Introduce me.

Sabrina Jalees (0:51)

It's time to introduce our guest who we all just... I've known for 150 years. We've been friends forever, but Natasha, you just got to have the pleasure of getting to know her when we recorded this episode of Dirty Laundry for Dropout TV that will come out eventually.

She's got a show October 11th at UCB with May Martin and Matt Foliot. It's an improv show, and you can stream it. Go to that if you're in LA, but you can stream it wherever you are in the world. Everybody, please welcome Alana Johnson.

Alana Johnston (1:21)

Okay, everyone.

Natasha Leggero (1:23)

Alana, you're so funny. You are really cracking me up on this show we did. I can't talk about any of the things that we talked about.

Sabrina Jalees (1:30)

Of course you can.

Natasha Leggero (1:30)

Well, it hasn't aired yet.

Sabrina Jalees (1:31)

Weren't they going to come after you?

Alana Johnston (1:33)

They might. They might.

Natasha Leggero (1:37)

Well, I mean, the thing that really comes to mind is a couple of things, but you did say that you took mushrooms before your SNL audition.

SPEAKER_8 (1:44)

Ecstasy. Ecstasy.

Sabrina Jalees (1:46)

Bump it up, girl.

Natasha Leggero (1:48)

So you're ready to be a mom, I think we can say.

SPEAKER_8 (1:52)

Yeah.

Alana Johnston (1:53)

What I love about this podcast is that I didn't really do my research when I said yes. And then I found out it's about family, and I thought to myself, okay, my dog, who is now overweight because of me, which we discussed when we were together.

Natasha Leggero (2:04)

Your dog's overweight because of you. My dog's overweight because I let my daughter feed her. Feed him.

Alana Johnston (2:08)

I feed mine, so that's the problem. I gained weight, he gained weight, and a couple of sausages in the old house now. So that's really hard for me as a mother.

Sabrina Jalees (2:17)

I classify that under Mel Robbins, let them.

SPEAKER_8 (2:20)

I classify that as child abuse.

Sabrina Jalees (2:22)

But also dogs don't need to wear pants, so.

SPEAKER_8 (2:26)

Sabrina, he is plump.

SPEAKER_9 (2:27)

He's wobbling.

Sabrina Jalees (2:29)

Well, when his knees start shaking, that's when you got to pull the sausage away.

Natasha Leggero (2:33)

Is this your first dog? Because I know it's not a child, but that is a lot for a comedian to take care of.

Alana Johnston (2:39)

No, it's my second dog, but my first time taking care of a dog by myself, and first dog died of obesity.

Natasha Leggero (2:46)

Are you kidding?

SPEAKER_8 (2:46)

Well, she was 20 pounds overweight when we got her, but she lost the weight. She did not die of obesity, but she lost, she had to lose the weight for her legs.

Sabrina Jalees (2:54)

I'm trying to do a throwaway joke.

Alana Johnston (2:55)

For her shaky legs.

Sabrina Jalees (2:56)

The shaky legs.

Alana Johnston (2:57)

But she lost the weight, and I thought to this dog, now you will pay for her mistakes, and I have to gain him the weight that she lost. So I put 20 on this guy.

Sabrina Jalees (3:09)

This dog is like, whatever the fuck is going on in her brain, I'm loving it.

Alana Johnston (3:12)

I know how parenting works. It's that you correct for the second kid, which you did for the first kid.

Sabrina Jalees (3:17)

That's right.

Alana Johnston (3:18)

So the first dog, she was doing well. The second dog, not so much.

SPEAKER_8 (3:23)

I think it'd be a great mom.

Sabrina Jalees (3:25)

You would be very fun. You'd definitely be a fun mom.

Alana Johnston (3:26)

You have to, yes, and you had to let the kids know where they stand. That to me is the key to parenting.