Alan O. AA Male

**Alan** (0:00)
I'm alcoholic, and I'd like to thank everybody for giving me the opportunity to speak. Thanks, Bobby, for a nice introduction. And I had too much time to think about it, really, so. I thought somebody said, it's better just to ask you right toward the minute. That's the way I like it, because I don't like to think about anything, really. I try to, you know, that's my goal, really, is just to be void of thought, you know.
I don't know about you, but I've experienced that sometimes, you know. And I think that's the result of AA in my life, you know. I've been, I can remember, and I've been out in the woods, you know, and in different times, and just sit there in the evening, and been void of, just sit there and just, I mean, you have no thought. And I mean, it's incredible feeling. I mean, you just sit there, you almost feel like you're just, you know what I mean, like you're transcended somewhere. You know, it's so weird. It's like so foreign for me to, because usually I have all these thoughts constantly going on in my head, you know, things, little voices talking to me. I'm like, you know, I don't know what the hell is going on, or what's real, or what's not real, and you know. So to be able to just sit there, and kind of, it's like very peaceful to me.
And I do, I love it. And I was talking at breakfast to Bobby and Jim. I was telling him, I split, I heat with wood, and I used to split all my own wood by hand. And I thought, I love that because you can't think about yourself when you're splitting wood, you know. You're just like, oh, oh. And you're like, God, I love this shit.
It just feels good. I come home from lunch and split wood, you know. And go back to work, and I'd be happy as hell the rest of the afternoon. Everybody's like, what are you doing lunchtime? I'm like, I split about three cords of wood.
But I'm convinced of that, you know. I mean, I have to stay busy. That's the way I am, really. I'm always doing something. I got to piddling around, doing things. And I've been that way my whole life, at least that's what my mother tells me. You know what I mean? She said, I was always like that. And I grew up in an era when, you know, when you were a little kid, you know, when you got up out of bed, they said, get out of the house. You know what I mean? It's like, they don't worry about where you're going or what you're doing. They're like, get out of the house, you know. What are you doing in here? The sun's shining. Get out of here. What are you doing in this house? You know what I mean? I'd be down there, they're like, get outside, you know. And I'm outside, and I'm out there, you know, whatever. Climbing trees, running around, you know, chasing snakes, doing whatever, you know. Down in the creek, looking under rocks, you know. What's living under that rock? Damn, I love the sewers. You ever hang out in them big sewers? They were always hanging out in there, you know. Like, I could live in here, you know. Little, little bit I know, you know. I mean, this could, a very easy life, you know. Getting used to a life that gets worse. I never even knew it.
But I did, I loved, I was always like that. Just loved to piddle around and do stuff. And I was raised by my grandparents. I was born into a very religious, good family on the west side of Cincinnati. I was born down in 8th and State, off 8th and State, on Hapmaker Street. And then we moved up to Price Hill, lived there for a while, and then moved to Delhi, you know. When we moved to Delhi, it was still a farm community. I mean, there was cows out in our backyard, you know what I mean? And a big farm, and we used to go back there, and you know, and play in the farm, and pick blackberries. I remember going back there with a kid when I was with my grandmother, you know, and picking bales of blackberries, and coming back, and she'd make all kinds of pies, and all this kind of stuff. And my grandmother, all she did was cook, you know what I mean? She'd get up in the morning and start cooking, and then she'd cook all day long, and then go to bed, you know? And I'd come in, I'd be out of the house, I'd come in, she'd be in the kitchen, you know, cooking, always cooking. She always had this apron on. She was just, that's all she ever did, you know? And my mother worked most of her life, and my father worked all of his life, and they worked just to provide a good life for me, I'm convinced of it. You know, they wanted me to have a better life than they did. And my father, you know, it killed him. He worked himself to death, literally. He would, you know, he worked in the factory life, and I remember him telling me, he said, whatever you do, you know, go to school, so you don't have to do this, you know what I mean? And they would call him up at 3 o'clock in the morning, and he'd get out of bed and go to work, you know what I mean? And he would do it, you know, because he was scared, you know, he wanted to make sure that he had enough money to support his family, you know, and that kind of thing. And he was a great man, and I never knew my father very well because he worked so much, you know, he worked night shift. And even when I was a small kid, I used to stay up late at night to see him come home at 11 o'clock at night or whatever, you know, and it was a big treat or whatever. And I was an only child, and I was spoiled rotten, you know, they loved me more than life itself, and they would do anything that they could to try to make me happy. And that was a full time job, because I was not that I was unhappy. I think I was a happy child, you know, really I was kind of a happy, good, lucky kid. And but I was very selfish and very self-centered, and I was a rotten kid. I wouldn't wish a kid like me on anybody because I would tell you, you know what I mean? I would tell you, you know, that I wanted this. And then when you gave it to me, it wasn't enough. If they worked extra hours or whatever to buy me a bicycle, I would throw it over in the corner because I was ungrateful. I was just selfish and self-seeking. All I ever wanted was more. I never cared about their feelings or anything in any way whatsoever.