#867: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More (Repost)

Tim Ferriss (0:00)

Hello, boys and girls, ladies and germs. This is Tim Ferris. Welcome to another episode of The Tim Ferris Show, where for more than a decade, it has been my job to deconstruct world-class performers from different disciplines, all different disciplines, to tease out the frameworks, the favorite books, the routines, and in this case, the word-for-word scripts that you can apply to your own lives. My guest today is Dr. Becky Kennedy. She is the founder and CEO of Good Inside, a parenting movement with members of more than 100 countries that overturns a lot of conventional modern parenting advice to actually empower parents to become sturdy, confident leaders. We'll explain what that means and raise sturdy, confident kids. Of course, there are a million people out there giving parenting advice and Dr. Becky Kennedy's advice, her thinking on this has resonated incredibly well with me and that is why for years I've wanted to have her on. She is the author of the number one bestselling book of the same name, Good Inside, a chart topping podcast, Good Inside with Becky. You can see the theme here. A Ted Talk with nearly 4 million views on the power of repair. We'll discuss what that means and what it looks like. In a children's book, that's my truck, a Good Inside story about hitting. Maybe I could use that too. You can find her online at goodinside.com and on Instagram at drbecky at goodinside.

Optimal, minimal.

Becky Kennedy (1:22)

At this altitude, I can run flat out for a half-mile before my hands start shaking.

Tim Ferriss (1:26)

Can I answer your personal question? Let's start with what popped into my head.

Becky Kennedy (1:47)

Great.

Tim Ferriss (1:47)

And we'll just keep rolling with that thread.

Becky Kennedy (1:50)

Love it.

Tim Ferriss (1:50)

And see if it goes. We're interesting. If it's a dead end, I'll get us out of the dead end. But I want to talk perhaps about your Ted Talk on the power of repair.

Why do you think this struck a chord with people? And what resonated with people from that?

Becky Kennedy (2:05)

A classic example is you yell at your kid for something, right? So I'll use this example, which is different than the one in my Ted Talk, because it also leads to some common questions. So my kid's stalling in the morning, like, I got to get my kid to school, because also when I drop my kid at school, I have to get to work, and my kid's late, I'm late, the whole thing, we're all so rushed. And my kid is saying, I don't know whatever they're saying, I'm not going to school today. You can't make me go to school. I'm not putting on my shoes. You put on my shoes, and you're thinking, I have an eight-year-old like that, but I have to put on their shoes, right?

And then we get to some crescendo moment where as a parent, and I'll say me myself, because I have this too, I just yell, scream at my kid, what is wrong with you? You don't do anything, you're eight years old. You know, we say all the things, you're never gonna amount to anything in your life. You can't put on your shoes, or you're so selfish, you're gonna make me late. You turn me into a monster. Why can't you listen the first time?

We say this thing, depending on our kid's temperament, they react in different ways. If they're kind of in the more people-pleasing type, that immediately stops them. They're like, oh no, my parent's mad at me. You know, I'm gonna be good. Mostly just because I really need to see that they reflect that I'm a good kid. I like need that. If you have another temperament kid, they use this as a way of like, oh, you want to fight? I'll show you a fight. And they're like, I am not putting on my shoes, you know.

Tim Ferriss (3:24)

That was me.

Becky Kennedy (3:24)

Right. That is my third kid. Love him.

What order are you?

Tim Ferriss (3:29)

I'm first.

Becky Kennedy (3:30)

You're first. Okay.

Tim Ferriss (3:32)

But I was a pretty defiant little kid.

Becky Kennedy (3:35)

Right.

Tim Ferriss (3:35)

At points.

Becky Kennedy (3:36)

And so then you get through the moment, you get through it. And then I think after drop-off, there's just like immense heaviness as a parent. And you're cycling through different things that again, whatever your voice is, might be your own voice, or it's probably the voice you've internalized from your own upbringing in terms of how people would have responded to you if you were your kid in that moment. But it's some version of blame. It's either blame in or blame out. It's either I'm an awful parent, why can't I stay calm and why can't I just get to the morning? And then that usually cycles with I have an awful kid, and my kid's a sociopath, and they're going to go to jail, and they're never going to amount to anything. And either way, you're blaming.