7 Stoic Strategies To Deal With Jerks

Ryan Holiday (0:00)

Ancient Rome was not a nice place. Like the world today, it was filled with jerks, it was filled with liars, it was filled with crooks, it was filled with obnoxious people, it was filled with annoying people. And by the way, it's always been this way, and it always will be. But the good news is, the Stoics have some timeless strategies for dealing with this, right? Not just putting up with them, but finding a way to appreciate other people, to get along well with other people, and do good for other people. And that's what we're going to talk about in today's episode, Stoic strategies for dealing with jerks and assholes.

What's the best response when you meet someone who's a jerk, when you meet someone who's rude, when you meet someone who's awful, when you meet someone who's annoying? Well, 2,000 years ago, Marcus Aurelius in his meditation, he tells us how to think about it and what to do about it. He says, when you run up against someone else's shamelessness, ask yourself, is a world without shamelessness possible? No, then don't ask the impossible. He says, there have to be shameless people in the world. This is one of them. And he says, tell yourself the same is true for someone vicious or untrustworthy or with any other defect. He says, if you remember that the whole class has to exist, it will make you more tolerant of its members, right? And then he says, and it's worth keeping this in mind too, that nature has given us qualities to counteract this defect, to respond to this. He says, as an antidote to unkindness, it gave us kindness and other qualities to balance out other people's flaws. That's just wonderful advice, right? You're never gonna have a perfect record. You're never gonna hit all green lights. You're gonna meet some people who are annoying. You're gonna meet some people who are obnoxious. You're gonna meet some people who are shameless, some people who are dishonest, some people who are cruel. And when you remind yourself, yeah, this is one of those people, it was statistically certain that I was gonna meet one of those people, helps calm you down, helps you not be surprised, and then it helps you get to work doing what he said, which is counteracting their defect with your virtues. They respond to unkindness with kindness, respond to dishonesty with honesty, respond to greed with generosity and charity. And so this is ultimately what Marcus means when he says the obstacle is the way. Not only is it inevitable we're gonna meet people like this, but they give us a chance to respond to them well.

He also reminds us that kindness is invincible. No one can stop us from being kind. He almost sounds like he's riffing from the Bible, you know, about returning kindness to an injury is like heaping hot coals on someone's head. He says, what can even the most vicious person do if you keep treating them with kindness, if you gently set them on the right path, if you get the chance, right? Correcting them cheerfully and patiently and lovingly. He says, think of them as your friend, right? Tell them, hey, this isn't what we do here. This isn't what we're here for. Show them, teach them, do it gently without pointing fingers. Again, the best revenge is to not be like that. Don't do it ironically, don't do it performatively. Understand we are here to be patient. We are here to be kind. We are here to work with each other and that that ultimately is what is all about.

SPEAKER_2 (3:22)

You know, you've been at the airport when you see people fucking flipping out and they're yelling at somebody that had nothing to do with it and cannot control the situation and make it better for you because this, you know, this dude is going with this fucking cell phone out and waving it going, my seat was business and now I'm in the back and yeah, it happens and it sucks. But don't be that person. You're yelling at somebody who has can't not do a thing about it.

Ryan Holiday (3:53)

Yeah, it feels like Splintering Hairs, but it's like, okay, if the airline fucked up, I get why you're a little upset. But this is a storm. Like, like this is like every plane in the entire airport is on the ground because there's a lightning storm.

SPEAKER_2 (4:05)

Right.

Ryan Holiday (4:06)

And you're thinking that if you're just super rude to this person at the computer, they can fix that.

SPEAKER_2 (4:11)

Yeah, exactly. Yes.

That's a better way to put it. It's just like, well, sir, it's hailing.