5 Signs of an Incompatible Relationship & 3 Signs You’ve Found “The One”

Mel Robbins (0:00)

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast.

You and I are going to tackle one of the most agonizing questions that every single human being on this planet grapples with at some point. You might be grappling with this right now. What is the question? It's, am I with the right person? Is this the right relationship for me, or is there someone else that's better out there? Well, today, here's what we're going to do. I have dug into the research on relationships. I have also looked at my 30-year marriage. I've looked at the toxic dating patterns that I was engaged in before I met my husband. And I have three mistakes that I'm going to reveal to you today. These are three mistakes that people make that either have them stay with the wrong person or end it with the right person. And then I'm going to teach you this relationship assessment tool. It's called the ABC Loop. And by the time you and I are done with our conversation today, you're either going to have the courage and the conviction to finally end something that you know in your gut is wrong for you. Or you're going to realize, holy cow, I am with the right person. And now I know what I need to do to move forward and make it even better.

Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am so thrilled that you tuned in today. I'm just unbelievably fired up for our conversation because I have so much to share with you. And in fact, the topic that we're going to dig into, which is this question that we all grapple with at some point in our relationships. And I don't care if you've just been on a first date, if you're single, if you've been married for 28 years, like I have, at some point, you are going to have this agonizing question. Am I with the right person? This is normal. And there are things that you need to do and mistakes you need to avoid when you start to ask yourself this question. And we are going to unpack all of that. And I have so much to share with you because I've just spent the last two years writing a book called The Let Them Theory. An entire section of this book is about this topic, knowing whether or not you're with the right person or in the right relationship, and unpacking the tools and the science that applies here, that is going to help you make the right decision for you. And I promise you, you're going to leave the conversation so empowered. And so thank you for hitting play. If you're brand new, welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast family. And one of the things that I know about you, because you chose to listen to this episode, is that you are interested in creating better life, that you do know that you deserve happiness and that you deserve to be in a mutually loving, amazing relationship that brings out the best in you. And so whether somebody who loves you forwarded you this, and now you're hitting play and you're listening to this episode and to this podcast for the first time, whether you have been on a first date or a string of breakups or you're an empty nester or something that's very common, if you're somebody that is now really focused on improving yourself, becoming happier, when you start to change, your relationship changes. And so as you're changing, if your partner's not changing, you're probably starting to question, is this the right person for me? Is this person supporting me? Am I in the right relationship? Now that I'm an empty nester, now that I'm this, now that I'm that, this is normal. And so we're gonna normalize this question that we all grapple with, which is, am I with the right person or the bigger one we don't talk about? Is there somebody better out there? And so if you're grappling with this right now, or you're watching a friend, or you're watching one of your kids, or you're watching your parent, whether it's post-divorce or post-losing a spouse, step into the dating scene, you're like, oh, I don't know about that person for you. This is a conversation that is going to empower you. This is a conversation to share with the people that you love. So I think the best place to start is the moment in a relationship where you start to question, is this the right person for me? And the first thing I want to normalize is that is something that everyone feels at some point in their relationship. I don't care if you've been married for 50 years, if you've just met and had a one-night stand, and now you think this is the love of your life, there will come a moment in time where you go, hmm, is this the person for me? And one of the things that I am seeing over and over is the sense that there's so many options out there, and the dating apps do this, that you just wonder, is there someone better? And so I think it's very normal to have that, but that is very different than having this sense that something's off, having this sense that this is a good person, but is this a good person for me? And that is a really important thing to think about, because the decision of who you are going to have a long term committed relationship with And I think that's one of the things I want to talk about. I think that the secret to a happy marriage is marrying somebody who's a happy person. And that's very simple advice, but the truth is, if you start to feel that you're having a happy marriage, that you're having a happy marriage, that you're having a happy marriage, that you're having a happy marriage, that you're having a happy marriage, I just heard somebody say to me, the secret to a happy marriage is marrying somebody who's a happy person. And that's very simple advice, but the truth is, if you start to feel unsatisfied in the relationship, it is natural to question the relationship. And I'm sure as you're listening, you're thinking, okay Mel, well, how do I know when that questioning is just me being unrealistic and me being negative? And how do I know when the questioning is a real problem? Like we're constantly bickering, there's a lot of frustration, we're fighting over stuff all the time. Well, the truth is, if more than half the time you're frustrated or bickering, this is not the right relationship for you, period. Because there's something off between the way that the two of you are interacting with each other, and the relationship should actually make you feel like, more of yourself. A relationship that works for you should bring out the best in you. And if the relationship that you're in is bringing out the worst in you, it's making you insecure. It's making you question yourself. It's making you feel like you have to compromise your values. It's making you have to constantly explain yourself. You feel self-conscious around your friends because you kind of know deep down inside that you're not really your best self because of this person that you're with and that you're changing and you're not changing in good ways. And so this is a deeply personal question. And here's what I know. You know if you're not with the right person. You do. Deep down, you know you're not with the right person. And I'm going to give you a couple of things to consider so that you know that it's actually time to end something versus it's time to work on something. If you're in a relationship where you're not able to be yourself, you are in the wrong relationship. Because I'm going to tell you something. This is not going to get better. If the person that you're with makes you insecure or ignores you or they never want to do anything that you want to do or it's always about them and you're quietly griping to your therapist about it or your friends about it, but you're not able to talk to this person, this is going to be a relationship that over time makes you miserable, it makes you worse, and it's going to eventually end in a breakup. And what's going to be super hard about it is that you're going to waste months, years of your life trying to make something work that you probably knew six months ago just isn't working. And the first thing that I want you to do is ask yourself, is this relationship good for me? Are you actually able to be yourself around this person? Do they bring out the best in you? Do you feel safe and supported and respected? Do you feel like a priority, like they actually care about you and they have you in mind? And these are important things to consider because I think in today's world, it's so easy to get caught up in, oh my God, I want the wedding in Lake Como, and I want the gender reveal, and I want the fantasy, and I want the engagement proposal, photos on all the things that you forget. The person that you choose to spend your life with is the single most important decision you're going to make. This isn't some joke, and I don't want you to get so wrapped up in the fear of being single and never finding the one, that you compromise on the most important decision you're going to make, which is who are you going to create an amazing life with? That goes way beyond what they look like, or how tall they are, or what their current bank account is. If you really want to go the distance, you got to be willing to look deeper at what makes for a good relationship for you. Because you deserve to be with somebody who truly brings out the best in you. You deserve to be with somebody who makes you a priority. And when you start to question it, it's an opportunity for you to really examine, what do I need? What do I want to feel like? And is this person, when I talk to them about this, do they lean into me? Do they want to work on this together? Am I willing to make compromises with this person? Because that's another thing. If you get to a point in a relationship where your arms are crossed and they're the problem and they're the problem and they're the problem, well, you're part of the problem too, because you're probably not compromising. And so I love that you are willing to ask yourself this question, is this person a good fit for me? Because too many times, you're so worried about being single again, or you're worried that you're now in your 30s and you're gonna not find somebody in time, or you're worried that, oh my God, if I don't make this work, then I'm gonna get divorced, or I'm gonna be broken up with again. You have to double down on the belief that you deserve and will create an incredible love story if you're willing to be honest with yourself and if you're willing to have the hard conversations with somebody so you give both of you an opportunity to lean in and grow together. That's what this is about. So stop focusing on the timeline, stop focusing on what your friends are doing, stop focusing on your track record, and focus on the fact that you do deserve love. And this conversation that's very difficult is one step forward in creating that love for yourself and being honest with yourself about the mistakes you may be making. I wanna talk about the topic of compatibility because I believe that this is deeply misunderstood and this is where everybody gets themselves into trouble in their relationships. Compatibility means that you have attraction, you have the desire to make it work, and it also means that you want the same things. The attraction part's really easy, right? Because you know if you're attracted to somebody and you know if it's mutual. But here's the thing, it is extremely common to be attracted to someone and to have a certain level of commitment, maybe you're exclusive or maybe you've been dating or living together, but you're not compatible. And what does that mean? When you're not compatible, it means you just don't quite fit. That as much as you may try, as much as you may be forcing it, as much as you may want it to work, it's just not working. There's something that's not right and you know it. It's harder than it needs to be. There's tension. You kind of dread seeing their name pop up on the phone. You know when something's not working. And when that happens, I want to take a giant highlighter. What you have here is compatibility and whether or not it's actually going to work. And here's the hardest thing. Sometimes you can be with somebody great and they're just not great for you. Sometimes you're with somebody and it's really good in the beginning. And then as you spend more and more time together, it's not good at all. And this is when you start to question, am I with the right person? It's not like there's anything wrong. But deep down, you feel like there's something wrong. And this is super important for you to pay attention to. Because if you feel like there's something off, then there is something off. And the good news about feeling that there's something off is that if the thing that's off is something that your partner and you are willing to work on together, the thing that's off can actually make the relationship amazing because you work on it together and you grow together. Any married couple will tell you, and I've been married for 28 years, there are a bazillion times in my relationship with Chris where things have felt off. And when things feel like they're not quite right, you want to have a partner that you lean toward each other, not that you lean away from each other. And so you can use these moments, you're like, huh, is this the right person for me to learn more about yourself, to learn more about your partner and to help you determine whether or not this person is the right person for you and you're the right person for them. And if you're in a relationship right now and you know deep down, I wish this person treated me differently. I wish I was a priority. I wish that they would make more of an effort. I wish they didn't get drunk every night and then pass out next to me in bed and then pretend like it's no big deal in the morning. I wish they were more interested in my friends. If these are the kinds of things that are happening and you haven't had the conversation, then the problem in the relationship is you, because you're not raising the issues that would make you feel seen and make you feel safe. In raising the issues in your relationship, if there is no change, there's not going to be a change. If there is an inability to hear you, there will never be an ability to hear you, and you better find the exit and sprint forward. And so first of all, if you're questioning, good. Let's use this as an opportunity and unpack how you're going to figure out, am I compatible? Am I not? Is this my person or is this not my person? And so first things first, good job. Good job for recognizing that something's off. Now what I want to tell you is that there's three major mistakes that everybody makes in this moment. And I don't want you to make these mistakes. Number one, major mistake is chasing the potential. That you're in a relationship with a fantasy in your head and you're not actually in a relationship with the person as they are. Rule number one in the Let Them Theory is that human beings only change when they feel like it. And you will never be able to change another human being. And the single biggest mistake that I see with anybody dating or anybody in a relationship is that you're holding on to the potential and you're living in a fantasy in your head and you're not accepting reality, which is why you need to let them be who they are and then decide what you're gonna do about it. That is what you need to do. So that's mistake number one, is chasing the potential. Mistake number two is that you're with somebody and your values aren't aligned. You don't want the same things. And yet you're convincing yourself that eventually this person's gonna come around and convert to your religion or they're gonna come around and they're gonna want to have children or they're gonna come around and they're gonna want to sell all their possessions with you and travel around the world for two years. And the research is very clear on this. If you have to give up your dreams in order to stay with this person, this is not gonna work. And the reason why this is not gonna work is because you will grow to resent the other person because you will blame them for being the reason why you didn't get to go to medical school or you didn't get to move over to the other side of the planet and have this adventure or you didn't get to have kids. And here's the hard truth. When you compromise your own values for the sake of a relationship and you give up on your dreams for the sake of staying with somebody else, the other person isn't to blame. You are. If you have dreams and a vision for your life, it is your responsibility to create that vision and to hold that vision for yourself. And one of the hardest things in the world is when you wake up and realize you love somebody and you care about somebody who fundamentally does not share the same vision about what they want in life. And if that is where you are at, then this is not a relationship that is going to make either one of you happy. And so that's mistake number two, that you think this is going to change and it's not. Mistake number three is this 80-20 rule, that you're with somebody that has like 80% of the things that you want. But here you are in your mind thinking the 20% of things that aren't deep values, these are just nice to have, right? This is like the wish list that we all, oh, I wish that they were taller, I wish that they were a little bit more athletic, I wish that they weren't so introverted at parties, it's more of a thing about like their personality or I wish that they were a better skier, whatever it may be, that you've got this sort of 20% out here and what I often see is that people will dump somebody that has 80% of the deep, amazing, meaningful stuff, they're kind, they have a growth mindset, they're loyal, they treat you with respect, you have fun together, but you're just kind of in that stage, kind of like the stage, we all go through that stage because you're just kind of in a plateau in your relationship and you end up breaking up, not for any reason, but just because that 20%, that sparkly stuff is missing, you think if you had somebody that would take you off on some romantic thing or that would buy you flowers more, that would dress a little nicer.