292: How Pornographic Content Harms Sexual Development | Dr. Tori Cordiano

Dr. Lisa Damour (0:01)

When the headlines are full of allegations of horrible sexual behavior, I think it's important for us to take a step back and ask, how can this even happen? When this does happen, there are always a lot of factors at play. One of those variables that we need to be talking about is the downstream effects of today's pornography.

Today's pornography is full of non-consensual, degrading, often violent and always graphic sex. What we know is that when people watch this, especially from young ages, it warps their understanding of what sexuality really should be about and it desensitizes them to violent non-consensual sexual activity. By age 17, more than three-quarters of teenagers have seen pornography. We also know that more than half of boys and more than a third of girls actually seek it out. And among the teens who seek it out, more than half of them watch it regularly. So this is something we need to talk about and you and I know this is not an easy conversation to have. We don't want to have it, our kids don't want to have it. Today for you, I have something that I think will help. My dear colleague, Dr. Tori Cordiano and I are taking a letter about a teenage boy who will not stop watching porn and what to do. She brings her ever reliable, compassionate guidance to this question and together we cover all the key points and also give you language for how to have this conversation.

All right Tori, I got a doozy for us.

Dr. Tori Cordiano (1:42)

All right.

Dr. Lisa Damour (1:42)

You ready?

Dr. Tori Cordiano (1:43)

I am.

Dr. Lisa Damour (1:43)

All right. Hi Dr. Lisa. I have two teen boys and I'm concerned that one of them is on the path to porn addiction. While I realize it's natural to be curious, I wonder how much is too much. I'm very open with them and I've talked with them about understanding their natural curiosity and about the dangers of watching violent, disrespectful, and disturbing made up fantasies. In the past, I've tried using apps to block it, view their history, they knew, and nothing works for my 15-year-old. He finds ways around it and with a laptop and a phone, I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

I should mention he is diagnosed with ADHD, and I think this gives him a dopamine hit. He was honest with me and said something about it makes him feel good, like he's getting away with something and being sneaky. I feel like I've done all the things available to me, but I have to be missing something. Please help.

Okay, I have to see it.

What this reminds me of, do you remember when like, at least I felt this way early in my work as a clinician, where sometimes like I'd be caring for a family and they would tell me what was going on. And I was like 27 And I remember thinking like, oh yeah, man, you need help. And then be like, I'm the help. I'm the help. Right. I have a little bit of a reaction like that to this letter. I hope you don't. Are you with me or what are we going to do?

Dr. Tori Cordiano (3:10)

So actually I see a lot of kids with ADHD in my practice. If I think a lot in Venn diagrams, this Internet or porn, heavy Internet use, graphic content online, having a hard time stopping in ADHD, in the Venn diagram, there's a lot of overlap there.

Dr. Lisa Damour (3:25)

So this is...

Dr. Tori Cordiano (3:26)

Yeah. It's not uncommon for people with ADHD. Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Damour (3:30)

So I'm not really sure where to start with the kid. We're going to figure this out. I'm thinking about this parent who is so on it. Yeah. Is saying all the things that we tell parents to say, doing all the things, and even has enough of a connection with the kid where he's like, actually, I'm kind of liking it and getting into it, and it feels sneaky and I like that.

Something is working really well, right?

Dr. Tori Cordiano (3:57)

This was my exact thought too. There's so much money in the bank here already with the relationship and the connection. This mom is having the hard conversations that we all know we should be having with teenagers but easier said than done.

Her kid trusts her enough to share more about this really difficult thing that's happening.

Dr. Lisa Damour (4:17)

Being honest with her, I'm into it and it's fun.

If I had to put a headline on the letter, I'd be like, helpless city. Helpless city. I am doing everything experts say to do. I have a good working relationship with my kid. They are being honest with me. I am still helpless in the face of what's happening. And it's a very realistic letter. This is violent. This is disrespectful. This is disturbing stuff.