187: "Just Leave Him" Is the Laziest Relationship Advice on the Internet

SPEAKER_1 (0:05)

Keep the human, keep the human, keep the human.

Margarita Nazarenko (0:10)

Gang, this is an emergency. I'm calling you today because it's an absolute emergency. I've got out of the shower, my hair is wet. It's drying in the air, I'm giving it a break, and this is an emergency. Because how can he fall asleep while you are falling asleep, or you're not falling asleep, you're crying next to him. You are crying next to him.

How can this happen?

How can this occur in this day and age, in this big year 2026? I don't know, but we've got to discuss it.

This is a multi-layered episode of BEING HER. Welcome back to the podcast. And if you've not subscribed, please subscribe. I literally have never said that. But you know, if Stephen Bartlett says it, then I might as well say it. Subscribe guys, come on. This week's subject comes from a message that I got a few days ago, and it's been on my mind. And then I posted on Instagram stories and I said, is this something that concerns you, dear friends?

And yes, it is. She wrote to me, the message said, and I've got my trusty computer here. Can you please make a video about your partner sleeping soundly while you are crying next to him? I am going through this, but I know so many other women are too. It's common, it seems. Would love to see your take on this. Why did this spark my interest, you say? Good question from the team. This sparked my interest, ladies, because this is common. This finds its way into my DMs often. This was me with my ex in my 20s.

And if the answer, as many people suggest, in further DMs, once I posted this question, if it interests them, is simply hashtag leave him. I'm gonna turn my phone on silent so that people can't disturb us in this conversation. Yes, I will. If the answer is simply leave him, then this would not be a question. I find leave him to be a very mute point. I find leave him to be very simple. I find leave him to be a waste of experience that you could have in trying to understand the realities of a dynamic, okay? Leave him applies in domestic violence, leave him applies in emotional manipulation, all these things that are horrendous, right? But if a woman loves a man, and this is a scenario that's happening, even if the answer at the end is leave him, women find a relationship that they have invested their energy, time, whatever it is into, youth, manicures, pedicures, and makeup, really hard to leave. It is not a joke, it is a reality. If the answer to everything is leave him, last time on my podcast, as you've heard, the answer to my husband forgetting diapers is leave him. If everything is leave him, then let's start an Amazon colony and only procreate with men for children, which might be an idea. But this woman is suffering because he is asleep when she is crying next to him, and me saying leave him does not squelch the need for her to understand why this is happening. Now, there are three separate things that could be happening, and we're going to break them all down. We're going to talk about this as an open discussion in this episode. And by the way, if you love my answers to specific dilemmas and problems, I have just entered the chat with dear Margarita on my sub stack. I will pop it in the description boxes if you're watching or listening to this. You can go on there and see real questions where I will answer them sometimes on my sub stack.

Is this a man who genuinely does not care about his partner in distress? We don't know because we are not there. What if she cries every night?

What if he's the sole earner in the relationship and she cries every night? He's got to get sleep sometimes. I'm taking it to an exaggerated term, right?

He could be a man who cares, but doesn't know how to respond emotionally, because boys are not taught to do that. Not an excuse. I'm just telling her, you, dear listener, and everyone who might have the situation, that might also be a possibility.

Or is it a man whose nervous system processes conflict differently, therefore making him fall asleep, as opposed to feeling distress and needing to talk it out? Because some people, avoidant people, like to shut down like a little crab. Okay?

We can't identify this from the outside. Obviously, the last reason is because he's an asshole and he hates her, right? But we don't know. We are not there.