13 Semi-Controversial Truths About Masculinity - Adam Lane Smith - #971

**Chris Williamson** (0:00)
Episode five, you are getting into the upper stratosphere of repeat guests now.

**Adam Lane Smith** (0:05)
I love that. Next one, we'll have to do in person. I'll buy you a beer.

**Chris Williamson** (0:08)
I'm down, I'm down. All right. Young men, if you choose the wrong woman, you are sacrificing your goals for a life spent managing her problems that she refuses to fix. The right woman will augment your life goals. She'll be a jet engine strapped to your back that pushes you ahead even faster.

**Adam Lane Smith** (0:26)
I've been teaching men this lately. I got a new course out about marriage. You are supposed to be the CEO in a relationship life family that you're building. You need to pick a woman who's an appropriate COO, operations officer, who's going to work with you, a co-executive. You don't need a woman that's lagging behind, that's dragging at you that you can't get to the office to work. And you also don't want to have her take the lead over you because she'll resent you. You need to work together like co-executives. And when you do, there is nothing on this planet that will drive you faster to success than that good woman.

**Chris Williamson** (0:57)
What does choosing the wrong woman look like? You're sacrificing your goals for a life spent managing her problems that she refuses to fix.

**Adam Lane Smith** (1:08)
A lot of guys lately, I know Chris, you've heard this, a lot of guys complain that women have no accountability. I say that women who are living in a state of chronic terror and their sympathetic nervous system is activated and they're alone, they're in a heightened survival state, they're designed to try to push off responsibility for survival. That's a woman who's in a very insecurely attached state. When a woman's in a calm, securely attached state, she focuses instead on her long-term life goals and her ethics and principles to get her there. These are the women that we record through history of having been incredible drivers of love, success, growth, everything. A securely attached woman is what a man needs to be looking for, nothing less.

**Chris Williamson** (1:48)
That sounds a lot like a bi-directional problem that the woman doesn't feel safe because she's not being made to feel safe. So in some ways, it's not just choosing. I suppose choosing the wrong woman sounds like there is something wrong with them. But I guess in built into this is if you choose an incompatible woman, she becomes the wrong woman. Is that a fair way to frame it?

**Adam Lane Smith** (2:13)
It is. It is. The man does have responsibility. The masculine, our job is to provide four levels of safety. If you want to get into that for women, we need to provide safety at four levels. But the woman needs to be able to receive safety. And in our world right now, we're not training women to receive safety at all. They stay feeling unsafe even if the man is adequately providing those levels of safety for her.

**Chris Williamson** (2:33)
Dig into that safety thing for me.

**Adam Lane Smith** (2:36)
Yeah, absolutely. A man provides safety in four degrees, okay? One is physical safety. Yes, safety from our ancestors, saber-toothed tigers, rival tribes, even safety from yourself. Be physically safe. Two is resource safety, okay? Ancestors hunt or gather, as that means food, meat.
Today, it could mean finances. She might be contributing, but if a problem rises, he's going to spearhead that and tackle it first. Number three is emotional safety. She knows that if she shares a problem with him, like an operations officer should, that he's going to receive it graciously, listen respectfully, ask questions, and then solve the problem. She doesn't have to tiptoe on eggshells. He's not going to blow up. So he's emotionally disciplined. Most men with attachment issues, they fail this third degree right here because they're afraid of commitment, they're afraid of getting scammed, they're afraid of whatever, so they never really lean into a relationship, and they always leave her hanging. And the fourth is bonding safety. He has to be biochemically bonded to her and be displaying the right signs of being biochemically bonded through oxytocin and vasopressin. This is why women are tracking for romance, affection, warmth, emotional connection to know that you're not going to leave her in the middle of the desert. She needs to know that you're with her. Those are the fourth levels of safety we must provide. Now, a lot of women can't trust any of those four levels of safety because we've got four generations of women now taught don't trust men. They fail you, they let you down, they check out, they hurt you. So that's part of the problem. Men need to be providing, but women need to be able to receive.