#1140 - Joey Diaz

Joe Rogan (0:04)

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Joey Diaz (0:08)

The first man to smoke marijuana never really smoked it, he inhaled it. He was a Chinese man, he was a very great man. And whenever he lit the plant, it wasn't to get high. But he would start to get high. And every time he got high, a blue bird would come to him and tell him to conquer his neighboring neighborhoods. And he'd listen to those, to the bird, and that's exactly what he did. And he became a great emperor in China. And at that point in the story, Pablo Escobar looks at his doctor and he goes, have you ever been to Disneyland?

And the doctor goes, no Pablo, I haven't. He goes, very clean, very organized.

Whoa. That's it.

But it's the truth. The first guy that never got high was a Chinese dude that burnt the plant because he liked the smell of the plant. It gave him a soothing, but after days of doing it, it packed up in his body and he started hallucinating. He saw a blue bird, a blue bird came to him and told him that he had to conquer the neighborhoods within the region.

Joe Rogan (1:19)

What a crazy bird. He got high and a bird started talking to him.

Joey Diaz (1:22)

What are you gonna do?

Joe Rogan (1:23)

You know, I don't know if this is true, but this is one of the things that the pot aficionados always used to say, is that, you know when a priest walks down the aisle and they have that thing that they swing and there's burning incense inside of it, that used to be weed. That's what they used to do.

Joey Diaz (1:40)

When and what dimension?

Joe Rogan (1:42)

I don't know.

Joey Diaz (1:43)

At one point, I believe it was weed. Then it became that shit that Batman shot at the Green Hornet. It was like pedophile smoke.

You wake up, your shirt's bombed backwards and shit, your pants are missing.

Joe Rogan (1:58)

Well, what is it now? What kind of incense is it now?

Joey Diaz (2:01)

It's like this blue smoke. I go in there to church every once in a while. You have to go for the full effect one. Like the five in the afternoon on Saturday, and the early morning Sunday, they don't break out the incense. They don't start breaking out the fucking maluchia fucking...

And the guy comes out, and one guy comes out throwing water.

Joe Rogan (2:21)

Jesus.

Joey Diaz (2:22)

And then the other guy. It's so weird how... Somebody made a great point on Twitter the other day. They said, you, me, Mitch Hedberg, there's five of us that delivered newspapers.

There's five comedians that delivered newspapers. You... Hedberg did it? Yeah, you delivered them in a car to other places.

I was an asshole that took a route, but not the route in my neighborhood, the route in the neighborhood over, so I had to beat the kids there before they'd get there and steal the papers.

Joe Rogan (2:52)

I would deliver them right to the doors.

Joey Diaz (2:54)

Oh, you did too? Yeah, yeah. And then you collected?

Joe Rogan (2:57)

Yeah, I collected from only a handful of people. Most people were on a monthly subscription plan. They were switching over, but the people that you'd have to collect from, you had this envelope, like a tan envelope, and you had to mark off when they owed things. I barely remember it, because it was only a couple of the clients, and after a while, I kind of got away from doing them.

I said, I don't want to do these people that have, because it's too hard to collect, it's annoying. Like, I don't want to have to go to people's houses.

Joey Diaz (3:23)

That was my specialty.

Joe Rogan (3:24)

I didn't like it.

Joey Diaz (3:25)

I must have been. That was when I first got out of Catholic school, and my mom gave me an option that I had to go up there and work in the afternoons, and I'm like, I gotta figure something out.

I just don't want to go up there anymore. And my friend said, I'm giving up my newspaper route, but he didn't give up the one in my neighborhood.

He gave up the one in the next city over, the next town over that city. I could still walk there, so I'd have to leave school and run over there because if not, the dudes would steal my papers and sell them as their own on the fucking street corners. So I'd have to get them, put the circulars in, put them in the thing, and then throw them on people's balcony. And then on Fridays and Saturdays, I'd have to go back with a ring after dinner and collect. How you doing, Mr. Rogan? I'm here to pick up 75 cents, and they give you like $1.50. That was your tip. And you got like 22 cents a week for delivering the paper.