Stop Overcorrecting Your Attachment Style

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**Dr. Olu Konoja** (1:04)
Hey chat, welcome to the HealthyGamerGG podcast. I'm Dr. Olu Konoja, but you can call me Dr. K. I'm a psychiatrist, gamer, and co-founder of HealthyGamer.
On this podcast, we explore mental health and life in the digital age, breaking down big ideas to help you better understand yourself and the world around you. So let's dive right in.

**Ory** (1:28)
I'm Lucas, and I'm Ory.

**Kruti** (1:30)
So nice to meet you both.

**Lucas** (1:31)
Nice to meet you too. First off, I just want to say thank you so much for taking time to chat with the community and answer all the questions that everybody has. So grateful and thankful for that. And then also shout out to Noah. He's also my cohort. I'm also becoming a coach. Oh, wow. So also he's working his ass off. I will say he's always in there chatting and he's up to it. So I can get confirmation.
The question is a dynamic about a relationship. So I feel like aspiring coach, there's some apprehension about sharing it just because it feels like so raw. It's not just me, it's our dynamic. So if you two are ready, it's more of a thing we've been talking about for a while. So we need an outside perspective. So we're super interested to hear what you have to say. So basically, I struggle to feel okay if she's not okay. And there's a specific scenario that came up a couple weeks ago, where we were both sick and not feeling well. We had food poisoning. And she was sort of requesting a certain amount of comfort and care. But in that moment, I was trying to service my own needs and take care of what I wanted to. And we were in a situation where our needs didn't match in that moment. And it doesn't always come up this way. And I wonder about our attachment styles as well. We've been diving deep into Dr. K's lectures on attachment styles.
I'm avoided, and she has an anxious attachment style. So there's some pieces there.

**Dr. Olu Konoja** (2:47)
Oh, no.

**Lucas** (2:48)
Match made in hell is what Dr. K said. So we're trying to climb the ladder at hell here, Dr. K. We need your help desperately.

**Dr. Olu Konoja** (2:54)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you guys can do it. So match made in hell, but one of y'all is capable of the dark magic, right? Which I'm not sure will actually help in this situation. But by the way, even though it's a match made in hell, there are many couples that successfully navigate to graduate to secure attachment. It's doable, so you guys are not doomed, but it's challenging, but keep going.

**Ory** (3:16)
Yeah, and a little bit of background, I do feel like we have moved more towards secure attachment. Like we've been dating for five years. We did a year of couples.

**Dr. Olu Konoja** (3:25)
Can I interrupt you? Sorry, before you keep going. Sorry, I'm sorry for being a dick. So lesson to everybody in avoidant and anxious attachment relationships, when your avoidantly attached boyfriend shows up on a couple stream to ask a question about your relationship, that means that y'all are doing something right.
So please continue.

**Ory** (3:47)
I'm trying.
Yeah. So we did a year of couples therapy about, we stopped six months ago, and our therapist focused on non-violent communication. I'm not sure if you've talked about what non-violent communication is, but I feel like a lot of the tools or things that you talk about, lean that way a little bit. And so we use that style, that framework of communication where you say how you're feeling, you say why you feel that way, and then you say what need is behind that. So we try to communicate like that when we can, but then it's not perfect. So we think a lot about what is our need behind what's happening. And so in this situation where our needs didn't match, I don't know, I feel like oftentimes we're able to work through it, but in this one, I think I have the expectation that he was feeling better than I was at the time. So like if anyone's had food poisoning, like it comes in waves. And so I was having like a really bad, like, I can't walk, I'm in a ball, like, oh, my stomach cramps are so bad right now moment. And he was feeling better.