How to Better Regulate Your Emotions | Dr. Marc Brackett

**Marc Brackett** (0:00)
A lot of people think emotion regulation is getting rid of a feeling. It's not what it is, it's just having another relationship to it. I've had anxiety or lived with it for a lot of my life, but sometimes I just say hello to it. It's like, hey, how are you doing today?
And it goes away pretty quickly, or it just sits there. I think that's the other thing about emotion regulation that people kind of misunderstand. They think it's like, I gotta check in with how I'm feeling all day long and then check in and regulate. You become psychotic if you did that all day long. Most of the time, our emotions are in the background. If you thought about your feelings all day long, you wouldn't be able to do this podcast.
That's unproductive. Emotions matter when there's a shift in our environment or the relationships. If you said something that offended me, boom, I'm activated. I'm feeling angry or kind of shocked. Then I have to make a choice in that moment. How do I manage it? That's where the magic happens.

**Andrew Huberman** (0:55)
Welcome to the Huberman Lab Podcast, where we discuss science and science-based tools for everyday life.
I'm Andrew Huberman, and I'm a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine. My guest today is Dr. Marc Brackett. Dr. Marc Brackett is a professor of psychology at Yale University, where he is also the director of Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. He is an expert in the science of emotions and how to apply that to improve communication and relationships and performance in school and work. One common problem around discussions of emotions and emotional intelligence is that they are often vague and, frankly, somewhat soft and cliché. But not when Marc Brackett explains emotional intelligence as he does today, because he talks about the practical tools that emerge from the science of emotional intelligence that you can use to improve your emotional life, both with yourself and with others. And he's not just going to tell us to feel our emotions more deeply. While that could be important in certain settings, his research in and out of the laboratory is really focused on the small things that we can all do, both in moments of emotion, but also on our own, that can greatly increase our ability to understand what we're feeling, communicate it effectively, and to be better listeners, especially in moments that would otherwise create tension or confusion. In fact, what he shares today are life skills, the sort of life skills that make everything, school, friendships, romantic relationships, professional life, and family life far more effective and enriching. So I'm confident that you'll come away from today's episode with Marc Brackett, knowing what to do and when to use the tools that you'll learn, and they are indeed very powerful to improve your life. Before we begin, I'd like to emphasize that this podcast is separate from my teaching and research roles at Stanford. It is, however, part of my desire and effort to bring zero cost to consumer information about science and science related tools to the general public. In keeping with that theme, today's episode does include sponsors.
And now for my discussion with Dr. Marc Brackett. Dr. Marc Brackett, welcome.

**Marc Brackett** (2:57)
Thank you. Glad to be back.

**Andrew Huberman** (2:58)
So much to discuss today about emotion regulation, about the kids, the future. Are the kids all right?

**Marc Brackett** (3:07)
They could be better.

**Andrew Huberman** (3:10)
And our obligation, our generation, other generations, in providing a world where kids can thrive and where everyone can thrive, it's a bit of a mess out there, but you're gonna put some clarification on things for people. You're doing amazing work to give people tools for emotion regulation and more. So let's start off and define emotion regulation. What is that?

**Marc Brackett** (3:33)
Yeah, well, I think the simplest way to define it is using your emotions wisely to achieve your goals in life.
It's a little bit too broad. And so it's funny, as I was writing my book, I decided I need a formula. And so my formula is ER, which is emotion regulation, is a set of goals and strategies. So it's ER, parentheses, G plus S.
And that equals a function of E plus P plus C.
You know, it made me feel smart. Emotion, person, context.
So what I mean by that specifically is that it's a goal-oriented process. You have to want to regulate. You can prevent unwanted emotions. I have an acronym for that too, it's PRIME. You can prevent unwanted emotions. You can reduce the difficult ones. I think people forget the I initiate emotions, like when you're teaching or leading or presenting, like you want to create an emotion in the room that's upregulating. You can maintain an emotion, like, you know, I'm having a good day. I'm going to avoid these things to just keep it going, savor the moment. And then there's enhancing, which is kind of boosting an emotion. So that's prime. That's the goals. The strategies we can talk about for hours. We'll get into that a little bit later. And then I think what most people misunderstand is that, like, what we regulate are emotions. And, like, what I do, for example, to deal with my anxiety is really different than my anger, than my worry, or other emotions, in that it's a function of the emotion you're feeling. It's a function of me as an individual, you know. I am on the neurotic side. I am on the introverted side. And so my strategy selection would be influenced by that. And then the context, like right here, right now, like I know you're into fitness and, like, running and, you know, all this kind of stuff. And I'm like, Andrew, you know, I'm really nervous right now. Like, do you mind if we take a break and I go for a run? I feel like, you know, it's a little weird, Marc. So context matters. You've got to, like, right now, if I were anxious, it's like, Marc, you've got to use some cognitive strategies or breathing work. I can't go anywhere, so I'm stuck. And I think people need to see that kind of full spectrum.