You Might Also Like: On Purpose with Jay Shetty

**Jay Shetty** (0:00)
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Hey, it's Jay, I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself, because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Today, I'm joined by Alison Wood Brooks, Harvard Business School Professor, and one of the world's leading experts on the science of conversation. In her new book, Talk, The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, Alison shares the research-backed tools that can help anyone build deeper relationships, navigate difficult conversations, and connect more meaningfully with others. Alison Wood Brooks, welcome to On Purpose.

**Alison Wood Brooks** (2:39)
Hey, Jay, thank you so much for having me.

**Jay Shetty** (2:41)
It's so great to have you here. It's almost nerve-racking to have a conversation with a professional conversationalist, researcher and communication expert.

**Alison Wood Brooks** (2:50)
Don't be, don't be.

**Jay Shetty** (2:50)
But you've made me feel so at ease ever since you walked into the room. So I feel good.

**Alison Wood Brooks** (2:55)
I more than most understand how hard conversation is. And I'm in such awe of everything that you do here. And I know that none of us can be perfect at it. So let's let let's shed that anxiety.

**Jay Shetty** (3:06)
Okay, well, let's dive in. If someone wants to feel more confident when they communicate, what's the number one habit they should stop doing today?

**Alison Wood Brooks** (3:15)
I think so many of the problems and mistakes and anxiety that comes in conversation is an overfocus on yourself.
And even anxiety as an emotion makes us overfocus on ourselves, right? It kind of narrows our aperture and we're like, Oh God, here's all the things that could go wrong. And so if people want to feel more confident, if they can truly convince themselves, this isn't about me, this is about us, this is about the other person, push yourself sort of relentlessly to focus on your conversation partner, it's going to set you up to feel far less anxious and actually perform better in the conversation.

**Jay Shetty** (3:53)
It almost feels when we're having a conversation with someone that we have a camera pointed at us.
And in our head, we're watching the live stream of every single facial expression, physical movement, hand gesture, and we're going, oh, that was cringe, or why did you say that, or don't do that again. Like the anxiety that we're feeling is almost because we have a version of ourselves playing back at ourselves rather than looking at the other person's eyes, and the other person's face, and the other person's body gestures and hand gestures. How do we get out of our heads? Because it feels like that tape of ourselves is playing 24-7. Yeah. And that's why most of us, when we get introduced to someone, it was so funny, I was at a restaurant last night, and I always ask the waiting staff what their names are, and I always talk to them by their name, whichever restaurant I'm in. And at the end of my meal, I went down and I saw one of them, and I said, hey, Katerina, can you show me where the restrooms are? And she goes, how did you remember my name?