You Might Also Like: On Purpose with Jay Shetty

**Jay Shetty** (0:00)
This episode is brought to you by Orange Theory Fitness. One of the best investments you can make is in your own strength. The choices you make today can help shape how you feel for years to come. Orange Theory Fitness provides a one-hour workout to build strength, burn fat and build muscle with an expert coach guiding you every step of the way. Head to orangetheory.com on purpose to learn more and get your first class free. Orange Theory Fitness, helping people live longer, more vibrant lives. Terms and conditions apply. See web page and studio for details. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods, where your back-to-school eats are sorted. First off, they have amazing quality standards with 300 food ingredients banned store-wide. No hydrogenated fats, nothing in store, has high fructose, corn syrup, and there's a great selection of allergen-friendly options too. Pick up your easy breakfast of frozen waffles, pack the lunch boxes with organic seedless grapes and baby carrots. Then plate up thin crust pizzas and a family-style salad for dinner after a long day of learning. Shop back to school must-haves at Whole Foods Market, in-store or online.
This episode is brought to you by Walden University. Balancing work, life and big goals isn't easy. That's why Walden University helps working professionals get the W with Tempo Learning, so you can earn your degree at your own pace while gaining practical skills through real-life scenarios. You'll also learn from faculty with real-world experience and have support start to finish. Walden University, set a course for change. Ready to start? Visit waldenu.edu today.
Certified to operate by SHEV, Tempo Learning, available in select programs.
Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day has been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute.
And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon.
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. Today, I'm joined by Alison Wood Brooks, Harvard Business School Professor and one of the world's leading experts on the science of conversation. In her new book, Talk, The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, Alison shares the research back tools that can help anyone build deeper relationships, navigate difficult conversations and connect more meaningfully with others. Alison Wood Brooks, welcome to On Purpose.

**Alison Wood Brooks** (2:42)
Hey Jay, thank you so much for having me.

**Jay Shetty** (2:43)
It's so great to have you here. It's almost nerve wracking to have a conversation with a professional conversationalist, research and communication expert. Don't be, don't be. But you've made me feel so at ease ever since you walked into the room. So I feel good.

**Alison Wood Brooks** (2:58)
I more than most understand how hard conversation is and I'm in such awe of everything that you do here. And I know that none of us can be perfect at it. So let's shed that anxiety.

**Jay Shetty** (3:08)
Okay. Well, let's dive in. If someone wants to feel more confident when they communicate, what's the number one habit they should stop doing today?

**Alison Wood Brooks** (3:17)
I think so many of the problems and mistakes and anxiety that comes in conversation is an over-focus on yourself.
And even anxiety as an emotion makes us over-focus on ourselves, right? It kind of narrows our aperture and we're like, oh God, here's all the things that could go wrong. And so if people want to feel more confident, if they can truly convince themselves, this isn't about me, this is about us, this is about the other person, if you push yourself sort of relentlessly to focus on your conversation partner, it's going to set you up to feel far less anxious and actually perform better in the conversation.

**Jay Shetty** (3:55)
It almost feels when we're having a conversation with someone that we have a camera pointed at us.

**Alison Wood Brooks** (4:00)
Yes.

**Jay Shetty** (4:00)
And in our head, we're watching the live stream of every single facial expression, physical movement, hand gesture, and we're going, oh, that was cringe.

**Alison Wood Brooks** (4:10)
Yeah.

**Jay Shetty** (4:11)
Why did you say that? Oh, don't do that again. The anxiety that we're feeling is almost because we have a version of ourself playing back at ourselves rather than looking at the other person's eyes and the other person's face and the other person's body gestures and hand gestures. How do we get out of our heads? Because it feels like that tape of ourselves is playing 24-7. Yeah. And that's why most of us, when we get introduced to someone, it was so funny. I was at a restaurant last night, and I always ask the waiting staff what their names are, and I always talk to them by their name, whichever restaurant I'm in.