Sarah Millican: A Joke About Late Bloomers And Eager Beavers

**Sarah Millican** (0:04)
My show, as you know, is called Late Bloomer. I've always considered myself to be a Late Bloomer. From what you understand of the term already, give me a woo if you think you're a Late Bloomer like me. Oh, there's quite a few of you in. Okay, so I've been trying to work out what the rest of you are. The internet thinks the opposite of a Late Bloomer is a child prodigy. I can see quite a lot of you down here. I'm gonna say no to that. I think it's because they're basing it on education, when I think it's more to do with how old you were when you first had sex. What's that, a sex prodigy? That doesn't sound right, does it? Early slut, that's not very nice. The term I've come up with, I think you're gonna like it. To me, if you're not a Late Bloomer, you're an eager beaver. Some of you won't know which one you are. Luckily, I've made a handy list to help you decide. Here we go. Late Bloomer, sweet 16 and never been kissed. Eager beaver, sweet 16 and already been fisted.
There's loads over there. I was trying to work out what the cutoff age is, if it is about when you first had sex. Cause some people have sex for the first time when they're quite young, don't they? And other people wait, and how about when they're a bit older? Wait, I'm not sure I waited. Rather just none was available to me when I was shopping for cock. Your basket is empty.
Late Bloomer had no talents as a child. When I was a kid, maybe 10 or 11 years old, we had a talent assembly at school, where whatever talent you had, you could perform it in the assembly. One little girl played the piano because she had piano lessons. I don't know if I can hide my hatred of her very well. I love a little girl who did ballet because she had ballet lessons. I hadn't had any of that kind of lesson. I was determined though to be involved in the talent assembly. I told the teacher that my talent was looking after animals, which is A, not a talent, and B, even if it is, I'm not sure I had it because they all died. I don't know how much of that is my fault though, because when you're little, you have little animals. Don't you have hamsters? You have budgies, you have rabbits, you have things that don't last. Live sounds better. Things that don't live very long. So you shouldn't keep a hamster longer than it wants to stay. That's what they all say. And if you love someone, bury them in the garden. That's right. That's right. Eager beaver, however, tap dance from five, clarinet at seven, netball team at 12, disco dancing at 14, suckin cocks at 16 Some of them are clapping already. Late Bloomer, first kiss, very late. Now for that, don't count hands or posters. I think a first kiss has to be another person, generally speaking. Also, when the kids get their posters from these, there's no Woolworths, there's no Athena, or they're just kissing their phones. Is that what they do? I used to spend many an hour on a Saturday in Woolworths just doing this.
It's like a very early Tinder, wasn't it? Swipe left for Chesney Hawks. That's what Late Bloomers were doing on Saturdays, while eager beavers were buying lipsticks and touching winkies. Eager beaver, however, kissed everyone sort of uncomfortably early. You know, sometimes you see a group of kids, group of adults who are with the kids, and one of the adults will point to one of the kids and go, ee, look, she's got herself a boyfriend. And I think they're five years old, fucking weirdo perverts. And it's a cousin, what the happening here?
Late Bloomer, never accidentally pregnant.
Brace yourselves. Eager beaver, many abortions. Now, such a great reaction. You did what I call the move on laugh. Ha ha ha. Oh no. I'm pro-abortion, it's fine. Eager beaver drank in the park, even on a school night.
Good response. Late Bloomer drank only at Christmas in full view of approving parents. Eager beaver saw New Year's Eve as an opportunity to get fingered or a hand job in a McDonald's toilet.
Ten, nine, eight, seven.
Late Bloomer went out on New Year's Eve, but went home at 11:30 p.m. to see in the New Year with their parents. I did that, I was never once fingered on a New Year's Eve. Sounds like a country and western song, doesn't it? Eager Beaver experimented with drugs. Late Bloomer was on medication. And finally, Late Bloomer, the first sex toy after first divorce, Eager Beaver got a voucher for love honey off their mom on their 17th birthday. Watch Sarah Millican, Late Bloomer on the Air Netflix.