New Episode on Patreon

**SPEAKER_1** (0:00)
Hey babes, it's Paris Hilton. So I was checking my points balance in the Hilton Honors app the other day, and yeah, I've got about a billion, which feels excessive, even for me. Just kidding, you can never have too many Hilton Honors points. And I want to do something iconic this summer, so I'm giving away all my Paris points. Just find somewhere you've always wanted to stay, then go to my socials or Hilton's and tell me about it. Just make sure you're a Hilton Honors member, and I might be sending you Paris points, because when you want points that make your summer even hotter, it matters where you stay.

**SPEAKER_2** (0:30)
So what's going on in the booth?

**SPEAKER_3** (0:31)
We have ET and Clayface in the cover booth right now.

**SPEAKER_2** (0:35)
Oh, he stands up now.

**SPEAKER_3** (0:36)
He stands up now. What's going on with your face? Can you get invisible acne patches, please? I, why don't you look- You look like an aerial view of Iran.
I mean, there's explosions.

**SPEAKER_2** (0:47)
It's stumbled, but you still got through them.

**SPEAKER_3** (0:49)
They're just little stickers, like every teenager uses. Okay.

**SPEAKER_2** (0:52)
You're 40 I'm 39

**SPEAKER_3** (0:54)
Yeah, you're 40

**SPEAKER_2** (0:55)
Okay, you're 40

**SPEAKER_3** (0:55)
40, yeah.

**SPEAKER_2** (0:56)
That's the same thing.
That's interesting. When do you start rounding up in ages or down in ages? What scale of your life do you go, you round up automatically versus when you start rounding down?

**SPEAKER_3** (1:08)
38

**SPEAKER_2** (1:09)
38, you start rounding up. Yeah, you have, no, I think 35, at 35, I was like, I'm almost 40

**SPEAKER_3** (1:16)
Yeah, you're 40

**SPEAKER_2** (1:17)
You're 40

**SPEAKER_3** (1:18)
Yeah. I know, it just feels weird. I'm 60

**SPEAKER_2** (1:20)
That's-

**SPEAKER_3** (1:21)
Yeah, I'm 60

**SPEAKER_2** (1:22)
The most, that's the most true thing he said.

**SPEAKER_3** (1:24)
Yeah, yeah, I'm 60

**SPEAKER_2** (1:25)
He's 60 years old.

**SPEAKER_3** (1:26)
Yeah, yeah.

**SPEAKER_2** (1:27)
And I'm 50

**SPEAKER_3** (1:28)
You're 50, you're for sure 50

**SPEAKER_2** (1:30)
I'm 50, I look 50, I act 50 My body feels 50

**SPEAKER_3** (1:34)
Yeah. Yeah. And guess what I did yesterday?
Two things happened.

**SPEAKER_2** (1:38)
What happened?

**SPEAKER_3** (1:39)
Two things are going on. Well, first of all, I got caught. I got caught.

**SPEAKER_2** (1:44)
Doing what?

**SPEAKER_3** (1:45)
I got caught, dude.
Oh yeah. What? Getting caught sucks. Yeah, getting caught sucks, dude. What did you do? I thought I could get away with it, is what I did.

**SPEAKER_2** (1:55)
What did you do, dude?

**SPEAKER_3** (1:57)
So I was at the comedy store Friday night and I took my car and I, for some reason, thought it was in forward, but it was in reverse.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:06)
And who'd you hit?

**SPEAKER_3** (2:07)
And I pressed the, you know what I mean? The gas, right?

**SPEAKER_2** (2:12)
Right, the pedal, yeah.

**SPEAKER_3** (2:13)
The gas pedal?

**SPEAKER_2** (2:14)
That's right.

**SPEAKER_3** (2:14)
Like any 60 year old would do.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:18)
It does sound like an old guy.

**SPEAKER_3** (2:20)
And I crashed into a car.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:21)
Whose car?

**SPEAKER_3** (2:22)
Well, let me finish. I put it in forward and I just left.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:27)
And there was cameras.

**SPEAKER_3** (2:28)
Well, I didn't know that.
So at around midnight, Joe, the comedy store manager goes, you got caught. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, we have it on video.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:43)
Oh, we got it.

**SPEAKER_3** (2:44)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Steph Tolove texts me late at night. She goes, I saw it. And she goes, it's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:55)
It's her car?

**SPEAKER_3** (2:56)
No.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:57)
Whose car?

**SPEAKER_3** (2:58)
Ricky.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:59)
Rick Ingram?

**SPEAKER_3** (2:59)
Yeah.

**SPEAKER_2** (3:00)
Oh my God.

**SPEAKER_3** (3:01)
I know. So then what I do is, and then here's the thing.
The thing is, is that-

**SPEAKER_2** (3:06)
You thought you were going to get away with it?

**SPEAKER_3** (3:09)
But then Joe says something very interesting.
He said, so Steph saw it, but she didn't rat me out. They just drove away. They said there was somebody that Joe walked up to and goes, did you see it? And the guy said my name and ratted me out. And I asked Joe for the name and he wouldn't give me the name. And that guy, I'm going to find out.

**SPEAKER_2** (3:32)
You don't know who it is? I don't know who it is.

**SPEAKER_3** (3:33)
We're going to find out. And then I call Rick and I go, I guess, I got caught.