High Achievers Who Make Work Their Identity Always Hit This Wall

**Kendall Berg** (0:00)
You are argumentative and difficult at work because frankly, it's your whole life. When you are putting your entire self-worth in your job, any type of mistake feels catastrophic. Any type of conflict feels like hatred. Things get very emotionally charged and you become increasingly reactive. This, as a result, creates more tension in the people that we work with. So what do you do? How do you take these struggles and instead create enough emotional distance that you can do your job effectively without feeling like it's your identity?
I'm Kendall Berg, that career coach, and I help people find success and progression in their careers without burning out or working harder. Today, we are talking about how to create emotional distance at work because when your job is your entire identity, it's really hard to create enough separation that you can do your job effectively. So, what emotional reactivity in the workplace looks like is, we're constantly on the defensive. So, anytime somebody questions your idea, your proposal, your work, we feel this visceral reaction that we need to defend ourselves, or we need to prove that we have capability.
The second way that a lack of emotional distance shows up in the workplace is that we are eat, sleep, drink, breathing our job. That means that when we are not at work, it's really hard to create any kind of disconnect or any kind of space for us to rest and recover. We carry that mental load out into our personal life, and it bleeds over into other areas. And the third way that this is going to show up is you have more tension and more friction with your coworkers.
When you are putting your entire self-worth in your job, any type of mistake feels catastrophic. Any type of conflict feels like hatred. When things get very emotionally charged and you become increasingly reactive, this as a result creates more tension in the people that we work with. So what do you do? How do you take these struggles and instead create enough emotional distance that you can do your job effectively without feeling like it's your identity? So step one is you need a life outside of work. All right, for high performers especially, our work becomes our passion, right? And we feel like that's how we show up and that's what's important to us. And we enjoy work, right? We feel like it's fun in a weird, sadistic kind of way because we want to show up well within the workplace.
But as a result, we don't prioritize things like a family or our family. We don't prioritize things like our hobbies. We don't prioritize things like our health. And all of those things get set aside so that we can continue to be great at our jobs. And if you're trying to create enough emotional distance that you actually can be great at your job, you need to have these focuses outside of work. So when we think of what those focuses could be, I like at least one of them to be physical. Now, I'm not talking health and fitness. You don't have to go turn into a bodybuilder. But think, I like to go for a walk outside of my house, or I like to stretch and increase my flexibility, or I do like to work out, and I want to do pilates or lift weights or do crossfit. You need something that requires movement of your body, both for longevity in your life, but also for your mental health. I am the type of person that I live by, the legally blonde creed, which is working out gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't kill their husband. So get happy, move your body, right? You need some type of physical. You need some type of mental relief. So this can be reading. This could be some type of creative, building something, painting something, drawing something, doing something, pottery, whatever it is that is a creative expression where your brain kind of turns off of all of the other demands on your time and can kind of focus in on this one thing that we're doing.
And then your third identity outside of work needs to be in people. So what I mean by that is not that you get gratification or dopamine or sense of importance from others, don't do that, but that you have a village and what I call your board of directors, all right? And this kind of brings us to number two, which is you have to be grounded in your board of directors. If you think of the people in your life, not your best friend that you've had since kindergarten, though I'm sure they're fabulous, but the people in your life who are doing things you want to be doing, who are part of your journey on the way to who you want to become, who are mentors, who provide wisdom, those people become your board of directors. Now, there may be a hype girl or guy in there, right? This is my CEO of hype, okay? They're just to keep you energized and keep you lifted and be your support person, right? We all have those. But build your board of directors intentionally. This doesn't mean that you don't have other friends, but your board of directors is a very specific group of people who are helping you elevate your life and improve, right? So for me, this includes my spouse. This includes a good friend of mine who helps me do a lot of work on identity and kind of breaking out of who I was and to who I can become. It includes a friend of mine who's built a very successful business, and it includes a friend of mine who is really a financial expert who provides a lot of coaching and guidance for me on my finances. This is my board of directors, and it doesn't mean that I don't have other friends who are wonderful. I absolutely do. But these key people help me elevate my life. They weigh in on important decisions. They provide guidance. They provide wisdom. And that board of directors is going to give you an identity outside of work. It's a lot easier to create a little bit of emotional distance if I have my three types of hobbies, my physical, my mental, and my people.