E17: Marriage, Mental Health, Masturbation

**Steven Bartlett** (0:00)
Damn, it's been a while. I've not posted a podcast in the last few weeks because I've moved from the UK to the US. I guess this is a bit of an excuse, but I'm trying to explain my headspace. I've been hyper-focused on the new office, my new home, the business and everything else in between. I've had this immense, immense tunnel vision. However, I've still been scribbling in my diary since the second I left the UK, and the first point of my diary this week actually comes from the plane journey from the UK to the US. Today's podcast marks the return of the Diary Of A CEO and the start of the United States chapter of this diary, but also of my life. For anyone tuning in for the first time, that doesn't really know what they're listening to. I'm 25 years old. I'm the CEO of a global marketing media and commerce business that employs hundreds and hundreds of people across the world in five different offices. The business started in my bedroom as a broke student dropout. I've just moved to the United States to help grow the business here in this new, massive, challenging market. And this podcast that most CEOs wouldn't share. This podcast is my way of offloading random, deep, dark and indifferent thoughts. And in doing so, in being so honest in a world of fakery, not only does this feel like therapy to me, but I guess the chance of you resonating with something I say is drastically increased. I usually record these podcasts at 3 a.m. from a cupboard under the stairs of my apartment in the UK. But today, the environment is slightly different. I'm in a suite in Hollywood, near the Hollywood Hills. I'm out here on business for a week and it's 2 a.m. in the morning. Anyway, without further ado, I can't wait to get back into this. I'm Steven Bartlett. This is The Diary Of A CEO. I hope nobody is listening. But if you are, then please keep this to yourself.
Okay, so the first point of my diary this week occurred on the flight from Manchester to New York. Let me set the scene. I walk on the plane. I go into the business class section. I stow my bags. I sit down. The lady comes over, the flight attendant. She offers me a glass of champagne. I said, yes, I get the menu. I quickly pull out my laptop and I try and get some work done before the flight takes off. I know I've got about 20 minutes. And as I'm doing this, I'm distracted by this sound and this energy over to my left. And I look over and there's this middle-aged couple with the biggest smile on their faces, a bigger smile than you've ever seen in your life. Even recounting in my head how excited they were, almost gives me goosebumps because it was quite unusual. And I couldn't figure out why they were so euphoric. So I sat down and I just thought, I'll just listen in to their conversations. And as the flight takes off and we go in the air and we start going, I realize that this is the first time they've ever flown business class, but it's also the first time they've ever been to New York. And they are just so happy and so excited. And I'm so happy for them. I literally put a smile on my face. However, the more I sort of started to reflect on it, I thought I'm also a little bit jealous. The first time I flew to New York, I did. The first time I was able to fly business class, I felt pretty euphoric, to be completely honest. But for some reason, because I go to New York every month, and I fly business class every month, I now am numb to the excitement and the feelings of euphoria that this couple to my left had. And so I started to read a little bit more about it. And one of my favorite books actually answers the question. I pulled up Google and I just wanted to study once again, why this happens in humans. And it's this whole idea of hedonistic adaptation, which I've spoken about once before in this podcast. The people on my left, this couple on my left had the same euphoric excitement that 18-year-old Steve Bartlett would have had. But because these experiences have become the normal to me, I don't feel the same way about them. I think that's quite sad. When good things happen, we feel these raw positive emotions like excitement and relief and pride and of course happiness. But the problem is happiness just doesn't last. Excitement of that first car purchase wears off. The thrill of the promotion gives way to the anxiety of handling the responsibilities that come with it. I want to know, and I guess this is what I was trying to figure out was, how do I stop that pleasure, those feelings of happiness from dwindling? And so I started to do a little bit of reading. And there's this thing called the satisfaction treadmill, which means that when we experience a new level of sort of happiness or accomplishment or achievement, we continually shift our standard upwards once we've reached it. And we're constantly therefore running after this new higher standard, which is harder and harder to attain. And there are basically two ways to stop yourself from the satisfaction treadmill, right? Way number one is variety. As we all know, variety is the spice of life, as they say. But it's also an incredible weapon against adaptation because we don't get used to positive events when our experiences feel fresh and unexpected. When a positive experience is repetitive, when you know exactly what to expect, you don't get the same kick out of it. And so one of the things that I am going to do to sort of increase the variety and the unexpected element of the good things in my life is when it comes to booking my flights from now on, I'm going to book economy on all of my flights and I'm going to try and upgrade at the counter. That's what I usually figure out a way of doing anyway, but this means that only 50% of my flights will be business class. They'll be incredibly cheap as well, but only 50% of them will be business class and I don't know when until I get there. And I think that will be one of the things that will help me appreciate and savor the moment more. The next tool to employ in your life to make sure you don't fall victim to this satisfaction treadmill is appreciation. Appreciation in many ways is the exact opposite of adaptation. Appreciation is an active effort, right? It's going out of your way to focus on something rather than taking it for granted or letting it fade into the background. And this appreciation leads to a sense of gratitude, a sense of being fortunate for being in your current circumstances compared to others or compared to where you were in the past. And when we appreciate our positive experiences, when we turn our mind's eye towards ourselves, we don't just make our happiness last longer, we kick it up a notch as well. We become happier. You know, human beings spend so much time trying to figure out how to make themselves happy, but not nearly enough time trying to figure out how to make happiness they already have last. The key to wealth like the key to happiness isn't just looking for new opportunities or new standards, but it's also making the most of the ones we've already been given. That's how I'll learn to be in a permanent state of happy woman sat next to me on the plane. Okay, the next point of my diary is about relationships. I've had a bit of an epiphany. Again, this may just be an excuse, but I think it makes a lot of sense to me about why I'm very, very, very, very almost impossible today. And that is because I don't want to be your priority. Let me explain. There's this kind of like popular notion that when you're with somebody, you want to be and want to feel like their number one priority. But the more I've thought about that, the more wrong that feels for me. If you're going to be in a relationship with me, I want to be your second priority. I want your first priority to be you, your ambitions, your life, your future, you. Because my first priority as an independent person is going to be me. And if you're dependent on an independent person, you'll challenge their sense of independence, which only creates friction, arguments and conflict. It's important to remember that needing a person too much doesn't come from love, it comes from fear and insecurity. And being unhealthily co-dependent causes you to completely sacrifice your own sense of identity or self-worth and you can become reliant on a relationship, which is literally the single most unattractive thing. So not only in the past have I felt that partners I've had because they were more dependent on me than I was on them, have challenged my sense of independence, but I've also found them less attractive because they've got more needy, right? And so it's imperative that you build your own life. If you want to be happy with someone, you have to be happy alone. You can't be happy together if you're not happy alone. You have to build your own life. You have to build your own social circle. And although it sounds ugly for the sake of your own happiness, sometimes you have to be selfish. I think this is part of the reason, not the full reason, but part of the reason why I've struggled so much in relationships. I'm horribly independent. And so anybody that becomes dependent on me mentally challenges my sense of independence. Listen, I stopped going to school to do my own thing when I was 16 years old. I dropped out of university to do my own thing when I was 18 I'm somebody that's obsessed with personal freedom and independence. And so I believe part of the reason why I've had business and entrepreneurial success is also part of the reason I failed in romantic relationships. Conclusion being, maybe I need to find, date an entrepreneur. Somebody is busy as I am. Someone is independent. Maybe I'm wrong.